Lost In Neverland

The Most Beautiful Girl Town

2011-04-08T01:28:00.000-07:00

It was in late October when I first saw her, a day that I could never forget, the day that I saw the most beautiful girl in town.

I just came from a tiring night at the safe house and had met some new friends for drinks. It was Octoberfest and the town park was all lit up in celebratory grandeur. There were dozens of stalls selling all kinds of barbecue and appetizers, and tables were set up in front of a big stage where local bands played every night. I’ve been coming to the park for the last few days enjoying the free music and the festive ambiance. It was a welcoming break from the monotony of the old KTV joint that my business partner operated near our place where I religiously drank at every night after our business affairs were over. That night I came to the park with my fraternal brother Charlie who introduced me to a couple of local guys who were coincidentally my fraternity brothers as well. It was just an ordinary night- good food, relaxing music, a steady supply of beer and a lot of good conversation. They were asking how I was coping with life in the small town. I liked it there, life’s simple- no towering buildings, no congested traffic, and no rush to do anything.

I was joking around about how the town was cursed with unattractive women when a cigarette butt hit me on my right rib cage. I turned to where the fag came from and there I saw her- The most beautiful thing I ever laid my eyes on- big beautiful captivating eyes, perfectly tanned skin, her face radiating like the sun and that unforgettable smile that could tempt a demon to do a good turn. She could have been Venus reincarnated. A goddess amidst us mortals. I’ve never seen anybody as striking as her, not in that small town anyway.

My heart felt like stopping just as my jaw dropped. She smiled and apologized for the reefer. Said she didn’t mean to throw the butt my way. I just smiled back and said, “Okay lang, No worries.”, after all, if she didn’t do that, I’d still be blabbering how ugly the local women were. After that, I couldn’t concentrate on my drink, I fell silent and kept glancing at her until she left. Anyway, she didn’t really stay long but I assumed I’d see her again soon. I was new in town, barely two months, and from the time I got there all I’ve seen where just fields of grass, lush mountains, towering coconut trees, mud drenched carabaos and hideous looking women. I wasn’t expecting someone like her to come from a place like that. She didn’t fit, like a grandiose butterfly resting on a heap of cow dung. From that moment on I knew I had to know her...

The next several days, Charlie and I made it a point to drink after work at the park. He knew I had a thing for the jaw dropper who made me mute. One night a new acquaintance asked me to play poker with him and some of his friends, lucky for me, his friends were also her friends and I got to meet her crowd.

Days passed and I became a regular player, her friends would always asked if I wanted to play and I never refused, and everyday I hoped she’d show up but to no avail.

She popped up on the last weekend and was busy with taking pictures of the event that night. Her friend Alex who owned the stall where we drank at, called her and tried to introduce me. I said, “Hi.” and she said, “What’s up nigga?”. We shook hands and she left. I just grinned knowing I’d been royally dissed but it was okay, at least I got to exchange some words with her. That was enough to make my day. That was the last I saw of her at the park.

Octoberfest was over, November creeped around the corner and destroyed any chance of me making any mark.

Months passed and I’ve managed to become good friends with her buddies but we never got to see each other. I didn’t want to ask them where she was because I didn’t want to sound like a creepy stalker. Anyway, her friends and I got along great, they were just what I needed because I was feeling too stretched, I was homesick, with them around, I didn’t feel as much a fish out of water.

One afternoon in December while I was out transacting business at the nearby Mlhuiller, Aira called to ask where I was. She said her friend wanted to know if I was interested in some clothes she was selling and I knew that friend was her. We met at the Nest, our common friends’ restaurant, where she showed her goods. I was with Jenny, my ex-girlfriend and mom to my two year old kid who was visiting at that time. I wasn’t really interested in what she was selling but I knew I should buy something so I could get on her good side. I had Jenny pick out clothes for herself since I didn’t want anything and I picked out some shirts for my brothers whom I really didn’t need to buy clothes for. We talked briefly and she offered to tour us around. I was sure she was just being polite and as not to appear as some creep, didn’t ask for her phone number.

We met again that night at the Nest where we played poker with friends. We were across each other at the table and she looked so charmingly playful. I was too preoccupied with her presence that I couldn’t concentrate on my game.

We stopped dealing around midnight and headed to another place for drinks. I couldn’t keep my eyes off her, she was intoxicatingly stunning. We sat beside each other when we got to the new place, I doubt it if anybody could paint the look on my face then. It felt like I was in heaven and was attended by this angel. I was in the state of Nirvana, God couldn’t have been more graceful to me that day.

I wanted to talk to her all night, unfortunately, another guy friend followed and she had to switch places. After that, I was just contented to indulge on my warm Red Horse beer until it was time for us to leave.

The night ended with her riding with me on my bike while we convoyed to bring her best friend, Dayang home. She had her hands on my side and her head on my shoulder, she smelled so damn good. I couldn’t believe she was cruising with me on my cheap ass bike.

I was leaving for Manila that morning and promised to bring her Yellow Cab’s New York’s Finest pizza when I get back. I didn’t get to take her home to her house though, she insisted that we drive straight to my place and let Aira be the one to take her home. I didn’t refute, I wanted to be careful not to come out strong, and to spend those few minutes with her alone while we were driving was enough for me to get a good night sleep.

Months passed and I didn’t get to see her. It was either I was out of town or she was. Besides, something happened that month that she wasn’t seeing her friends anymore. Her friends left town and I didn’t know if I were going to see her again. I probably wouldn’t have if the next series of events didn’t come to pass...

February 21st, a Monday, I got a text from Ara, Charlie’s wife, saying that she met her at the store and asked for her number. Ara mentioned that I was looking for her and I didn’t know how to reach her. She wrote her phone number on a piece of paper and gave it to Ara. It was sort of embarrassing since she didn’t know Ara and I didn’t know if she remembered me at all. Anyway, I got her phone from Ara and immediately sent her a message. I said, “Hi this is JP. Haven't seen you around. How are you?”, and then she replied, “Hi JP, I’m good. Been out of town lately, just got back from Manila. Been there for two weeks”...

Without her friends around, I had the guts to ask her out. I didn’t really expect she’d say yes but she did. Anyway, next day came and our conversation went on like this...

JP: “Hi. How’s your day?”
Ron: “Good. How about you?”
JP: ”I’m bored, wanna do something today?”
Ron: “Sure.”
JP: ”What time do I pick you up?”
Ron: “Ikaw bahala”
JP: “Where are we going?”
Ron: ”It’s still early, I don’t know?”
Ron: ”You own your place right?, why don’t we just buy some groceries and I could just cook for you?”
JP: “ I’d love that but I’m living with my business partner and my house is full of people right now, why don’t I just pick you up after work and lets just go from there?”
Ron: “Its too early how about later na lang?”
JP: (no reply)
Ron: “I’ll be out by 5pm. I’ll text you when I’m ready.”

I picked her up around five thirty in the afternoon at a convenience store near Barrio Otso, she was wearing a gray vintage shirt, cut off denim shorts and was carrying a little gray umbrella that her niece owned. I was really excited to see her but felt a little awkward. The last time we saw each other was the first time we talked, and this time, we were alone and I didn’t know what to do or where to take her. I was thunderstruck, dumbfounded like a kid lost in a candy store.

She asked if I’ve already seen the nearby Dam, and I haven’t, so we did. It was the first time that we talked in months, I really didn’t know what to say but all went well when we started talking.

We had to go through a long rough road to get to the dam. We arrived just before six o’clock in the afternoon, the dam engineer greeted us at the gate and was more than welcoming to show us around. We parked in front of the guardhouse and walked inside the compound. Wind was blowing nicely, the sky just about to darken and the water as calm as ice. We sat at a park bench in front of the lake and talked about a few things, we walked a little and talked a little more, it was getting dark so we decided to leave the place. It was still early to eat and was too dark to enjoy the scenery. We decided to drop by the beach and waste a few more hours before we ate.

We went to UEP White Beach across town, It was almost seven o’clock when we got there and the gate was about to close. We walked on the beach barefoot and stopped to sit on a rotting coconut log lying near the shore. It was a really nice night out but a bit cold. The tide was just dying down and the moon lit up a little bit of the water enough to see a faint glow. It was amazing how we got along. We shared a few cigarettes and as well as a few stories. For two people who barely knew each other, I guess we hit it off pretty well.

We left the beach around eight o’clock. We both didn’t feel like eating yet so we agreed to get a massage together. There’s this new place in town she recommended so we went straight there after the beach. Getting a massage with someone I hardly know was new to me, but it was a welcoming surprise.
We finished up at the spa around nine thirty in the evening and it was just about time we got something to eat. She looked like a really fancy girl and didn’t seem like she’d eat just about anywhere so I was surprised when she asked me if I wanted to try this carinderia two blocks from where we were. I smiled and thought, wow! this girl’s amazing – stunningly gorgeous, undeniably charming, delightfully indulgent yet simple, unassuming and unpretentious. She’s perfect.

We walked to the place instead of riding the car, we arrived at the eatery and was surprised to see her father. We just came from the spa and we looked like we just had sex with our oily appeased faces and our hair all messed up, It was really funny. Lucky me got to meet her dad on our first date, though I don’t know if it was the best timing at all. We ate barbecued wings, chicken curry and pork adobo. It was a good meal to compliment the relaxing massage we just got from the spa.

It was almost eleven in the evening when we left the restaurant but we were still not set on ending our day. We grabbed a few beers at Chico Grill afterwards. We laughed and talked for hours. We managed to finish almost a bucket of beer each. Time flew by so fast without us noticing, It was almost three o’clock in the morning when we finished up. We were enjoying each others company so much that we didn't want to go home yet. We tried eating at Jam’s Chow just to have something to do. We ordered pork chops but we didn’t finish even half of what we got. We were laughing when we left the place, both of us were full and trying to eat was definitely a dumb idea. I took her home past three o’clock in the morning. It was a really full night. Something I wouldn’t have expected at all.

Next day came and I woke up smiling around breakfast time. While I was out the previous night, my business lost around two hundred thousand pesos, but still I couldn’t get the big grin off my face. It didn’t matter, I was happy and all I could think of was seeing her again that day.

We exchanged a couple of messages that whole afternoon but didn’t plan on seeing each other. Around eight o’clock in the evening I inquired what she was doing. I was at the Nest talking to our friends’ mom when she said she was just lying down doing nothing. I asked if she wanted to grab a few beers and she welcomed the idea.

I left the restaurant and picked her up with my bike. It was drizzling that night but neither of us complained. We were at Tsiban’s parking lot when she mentioned this bar in UEP that her friend owned. We got there after a few minutes. It was a quaint Al fresco bar inside the University Campus. It was her friend’s front lawn converted into a cozy little hang out. There were not much people drinking that night. She introduced me to her friend Palsky who owned the place. We sat in a gazebo near the bar. She was having a bad day and told me all about it. Next thing we knew our serious conversation became a hilarious chatter. We were laughing so hard that we could have been the noisiest people in the place even if there was only two of us.

I took her home around midnight. Our night was cut short but it was wonderful. We still texted when we got home. I was really having a great time with her and I wanted to see even more. I knew there were boundaries because she had a boyfriend but I wasn’t thinking much of it at all. After all, we were not doing anything wrong, we were just two people hanging out.

Next day came and I knew I’d be seeing her. She was craving for Halo-halo that afternoon and I asked her if she wanted to have some after work. She offered to make me a sandwich and in turn I asked her if she wanted to eat it at the beach. We decided to skip halo-halo because she’d have to buy her ingredients after work and the halo-halo place was closing around the time she’d go off work. I told her to bring her sandwiches and I’d bring everything else so we can have a nice meal at the beach.

It was around four in the afternoon and I had nothing important to do. I went to Monterey to buy some groceries and then the market to buy some more. I prepared chicken fingers, spicy sausages and cheesy potatoes with mustard to compliment her sandwich. I was finished around five thirty in the afternoon but she fell asleep while waiting for me. I picked her up around seven in the evening with my bike while carrying a huge bag on my back. We both wore hoodies- hers was red and mine was gray, which we thought really cute because we didn’t plan on wearing the same thing that day. We weren’t sure the beach was still open but decided to go on anyway. The guard was hesitant to let us in because the beach was only open until seven o’clock. She got to convince the guard who let us in even if it was past closing. We picked a spot on the beach and I spread out the food that I prepared. She was surprised with the meal I made and said she thought that when I said I was cooking earlier she assumed it was for the house and not for us. She mentioned that it would have been better if we had beer with us. I said we didn’t but I figured I’d bring a chilled bottle of white wine just in case she wanted some which even surprised her more. She took a picture of the spread right before we ate. We sat on the sand and talked for hours. It was raining hard and it was cold but it didn’t really matter. We had an earphone on each’s ear while we chilled there listening to reggae music from her iPod and drank wine straight from the bottle.

Around ten o’clock we decided to pack up. We were the only ones left at the beach besides the guards. We paid for the cottage we used not because we needed to, but because we wanted to thank the guards for the extended stay. It was my last night in Catarman and it was turning out to be the best night I’ve had since I got there.

It was still too early to go home, the beach was perfect except for the early curfew which we already took advantage of. We dropped by Tsiban so we could spend some more time together. We sat on a side table near the playing band. We were really getting along pretty well, too well in fact that something brewed between our friendly beach dinner and our few beers at the bar. I couldn’t remember much of what we were talking about that night but I know that after we left the place things were a lot different.

We left Tsiban around one thirty in the morning. We were on our way to her house when she asked if needed to go somewhere else after I take her home. I told her I’ll be dropping by Charlie's place to ask how the night’s game went. She tagged along and got to meet Charlie and Ara, my trusted friends in that unfriendly place.

I needed to talk to Charlie about business so Ara and her went to the bedroom to chat. We convened at the balcony after my conversation with Charlie. We shared a few cigarettes with the couple and then we were left at the balcony by ourselves.

Our night together was ending and I knew It would be awhile before I get back. I was already holding her when we got to Charlie’s and it felt like we were a charming couple, an illusion I might just have had in my head. We were left alone at last- We kissed... And for the cynical and existentially challenged old me, the universe just made sense.

I was leaving the next day but I didn’t want to anymore. I was not expecting something to brew between us within the last three days. Before I got her number, I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to stay in that damn place. After that, all I knew was that I was positive I wanted to see her again and that was the only thing I was certain about. It was almost dawn when I took her home. It was an unbelievable night. My world just made a huge turn overnight.

I flew home to Manila the next day. I wasn’t able to sleep much at all because of thoughts of what transpired during the last few days. Who would have thought that the most beautiful girl in town would give me the time of day? I sure didn’t, and until now, I still can’t fully apprehend how a mere mortal like me could get the attention of a goddess like her.

And so the story continues...

Stuck in Limbo

2010-12-24T09:26:00.000-08:00

A day before Christmas and I’m stuck at the airport possibly waiting for another cancelled flight. It’s been raining vehemently these past few months and the weather here just doesn’t seem to agree with airplanes. Last time I needed to go home, my flight to Manila was cancelled due to a storm. It was my dad’s death anniversary and I had to rebook my flight for a later date and miss the event. This time I possibly could miss spending Christmas with my family and break my little princess heart.

The earlier scheduled Air Philippines flight before mine had already been cancelled due to zero visibility, the plane couldn’t land because of the heavy clouds. My plane, they say, is just delayed because some old lady had a heart attack on the flight heading here and they had to go back to offload the old fart. They haven’t said anything yet about cancelling but probably I’m just waiting for another no go.

It’s been four months since I decided to stay here and a lot has changed. Business has been doing so well that everyone now seems to be interested in getting a cut from our pie. I’m starting to hate Christmas because of all the parties that we are obliged to sponsor and all the people who come to us for sponsorships. The fact is I should be earning millions now but the police and the local execs have been getting a bigger cut from our earnings. We’ve spent a million and a half alone on payola this month and that doesn’t include all allowances we’ve been giving out.

Despite everything, the scenario doesn’t seem to be that awful. I’ve found new friends that make my stay here bearable, and I’m starting to appreciate riding a bike, in fact I bought one for myself and have been going on long distance road trips to nowhere when bored. I’ve pretty much circled the whole province by bike and by March I’m planning to buy a Harley-Davidson for my birthday. Something I wanted to do since I was young.

I’m still waiting for my flight and Its already past an hour from the scheduled departure. If this flight gets cancelled I’ll try to catch another plane home in Tacloban, Leyte which is 5 hours away and maybe make it for Noche Buena. Worst case that could happen today is I’ll be spending my Christmas Eve at a friend’s house, and maybe play poker with her family and our other friends. Which isn’t as bad as spending it alone in a bus going home to Manila.

I hope the weather clears so I can find my way home...

My Top 10 Vintage Sports Cars

2010-11-24T23:15:00.000-08:00

1949 Mercury Coupe

1950 Monteverdi Berlinetta Corsa

1953 Jaguar XK150s roadster

1954 Ferrari 750 Monza

1954 Mercedes Benz 300SL Gullwing

1955 BMW 507 Hard Top

1955 Porsche 356 Speedster

1958 Chevrolet Corvette

1973 Aston Martin V8 Vantage Volante

1977 Chevrolet Corvette Stingray

Mafia Wars: A Real Account

2010-10-01T03:34:00.000-07:00

I'm back in this shit hole province after more than a week vacation. I just arrived early this morning from Cebu. It was a long twelve hour boat ride then another hour and a half drive to get to where I am now. I was in Cebu for six days and spent roughly forty thousand on just food and vices. I spent twelve thousand alone on this bombshell and her friends from Dimples at Mango Avenue, not that I needed to, but because I wanted to and because nobody thought I could since the bar was for expats and tourists. I knew she'd leave the bar with me anyway but the thought of having people's jaws drop after they see that I'm with six or seven hot, half naked girls amused me. Vince and Burton had most of the fun, I treated them in separate occasions and they had more girls than what they wanted. I guess this Mafia lifestyle is getting to me. I'm tired of being the good guy, the one who plays by the book and always loses to the asshole who doesn't. I don't want to be that knock around guy anymore, it didn't do me good then and I don't think it will do me any good now. This time I'm taking care of myself. Fuck everyone else.

Anyway, I'm back in the hotspot. Business has been really good lately despite the local and national police persistence in catching our operations. The Governor and his father the Congressman had been named as illegal gambling protectors by some newspapers, and to prove that they're not, had launched an all out war against our business. Cops from the CIDG headquarters in Manila had been commissioned to help in stopping operations here in the province and checkpoints had been place everywhere. Our safe house and our bar nearby has been placed under surveillance by the local and regional police departments but we still manage to go by our daily routine. We managed to figure out a way we could operate outside our walls. The biggest gambling lord, who has been in this line of business for the last ten years actually is taking the most hit, after this week I don't think he could still afford to operate. Our former rival, had stopped his operations completely, while my partner's cousin, who is now the only threat to our business had his runner caught in one occasion this week and had lost a lot of money fixing his problem. As for us, our operation had tripled and probably by the end of the month, we'll be the only 'Family' standing after this war has ended. We've made contacts outside the province and new networks and opportunities have been opened. Meanwhile, I'm neck deep in accounting since I've been gone for awhile, but why should I complain? It's my money I'm counting anyway...

I'm enjoying this too much. I should probably start saving up just in case shit hits the fan, but for now I think I'll treat myself to another drink. So just keep the wine flowing, Rocco...

Playing Mafioso

2010-09-05T11:57:00.000-07:00

I’ve been beating my brain trying to figure out what our business is doing wrong these past eight days since I got here in this god forsaken land. I came here because my mother wanted out on this illegal numbers racket she invested on several weeks back. I was her replacement, she transferred all her stakes to me and I gladly took the role. The business had lost almost half a million since this started and the daily operation before I came was still rough as sandpaper. My partner doesn’t seem to know what he is doing and I came here to put things in perspective.

The first time my mother mentioned that she was investing on a new business I told her not to. I really don’t trust the guy she was doing business with because she’d lost so much already in their previous ventures. This time I knew it was no different but I also figured that if I were calling the shots then I’d probably make it work. Besides, this new business is illegal and she shouldn't be involving herself in this kind of field.

I’ve made a lot of modifications since I got here and my partner seems to be happy that I came aboard though I know he has his reservations because I've been keeping an eye on him all the time. We earned the first night I arrived and all our crew were very optimistic that I might be the fresh breeze that the business has been waiting for. I've been trying to gain everyone's trust as their new boss, and I see that all the things that I've done has been paying off. I've been playing the role of Benny,'The easy going partner', from "Cidade de Deus", since I got here. I've been treating everyone to drinks at the bar and now everyone seem to be coming to me for decisions. I have found a few trusted people to watch my back in case my partner does something stupid, after all this is not my territory and in this kind of business you never know what's going to happen.

I’ve been cutting percentages on losses and have been reading the books over and over to see what has been going on. I’ve seen a lot of discrepancies and have made the necessary adjustments but still, I have not seen the potential income that this business should be earning.

Our business is slowly expanding even though we've been losing money these past few weeks. We started out small and held just five percent of the over-all gambling business here in the province, we've since tripled by the time I've been running things but by next week we'll probably get a lot more than that. My partner has made a few calls and visits to the "Godfather" which coincidentally is his uncle and promised that he'll help us gain more. Currently there are three major gambling lords in this place, one of them had just been booted out by the "Godfather" because of some business issues and we'll be taking over his territory by next week. My partner's cousin who is one of the three major players is also about to retire and we're hopeful that we're also taking his stakes. In addition, the biggest gambling lord, which we often tap for assistance is being watched closely by the local police because he had a few run ins with a local government executive. Some of his agents have been asking if we'd take them in.

The shift in power has already begun. Hopefully this is going to be the end of our losing streak and the beginning of a luxurious underground life that I only thought possible in the movies.

The Long Journey Home

2010-08-28T04:00:00.000-07:00

It's past three o' clock in the morning aboard MV Calbayog and we're probably passing through the island of Leyte at this time. The wind is blowing nicely here at the top deck where I am alone enjoying my solitude.The ship left Cebu City Pier 1 around seven o'clock in the evening and it's still a four hour ride to get to Calbayog, Samar - my starting point to get to where I need to be. I'm probably going to stay in Northern Samar for a week or two before I go back home. From Catarman, i'll have to drive two hours to the Port of Allen, take another ferry to Matnog, Sorsogon and then it's going to be a twelve hour drive back home to Manila.

The thought of this long journey appeals to me, my expedition from Cebu to Manila, the long way home to sanity and moving on...

It's was the first time I was back in Cebu after Fatima and I broke up and it felt good and sad at the same time. I arrived at six o'clock in the morning on Tuesday and went straight to Burton's house to pick up my car. First thing I checked was the sun visor where I kept Tim's baby picture. It was gone, I smiled. I guess Burton knew I was going to look for it and knew that probably wasn't good.

I headed to Kukuk's Nest to meet Vince for breakfast. Last time we saw each other, he was still confined at Chung Hua Medical Center because of Diabetes. That was the day I last left Cebu. He has been a close confidante- he's the only one I can talk to in Cebu when it's regarding serious matters and it was really nice to see him again after a long while. He said he hasn't been out much since I left since everybody has been busy with their own lives. I guess I was their bonding factor, I bridged everyone because I was the only one available all the time.

I decided to stay at Kukuk's Nest instead of crashing at Burton's. I wanted my space and I knew 'Indie Girl' was staying there, I was hoping she'd pop up and I could miraculously spark a sensible conversation with her. Too bad I only saw her once in the four days I stayed and I was on my way out.

I met with Tim's friends on my first night in Cebu. I asked Jehdeiah if she wanted to have coffee at Tinder Box since I can't drink because of my unresolved liver issue, I changed my mind and met her at Kukuk's instead. She was with her boyfriend Seiji and Kim followed after a few minutes. Coincidentally, Chu was also in town and Julio had his day off. They also followed and it turned out to be a drinking session where I, the host, was just confined to iced tea while they jugged on bottles of Red Horse. I didn't want to talk about Tim but I guess it was inevitable. They started talking about "us" and I wasn't happy about it. Every time they said something bad, I got a little frustrated. I didn't want them to ruin the memory I had of her in my head. She had a lot of flaws but I loved her. She was everything to me and I could have done anything for her but fate had a different plan.

The next few days I stayed in Cebu were all over-indulgent and just out of whack. I played poker, over ate at my favorite hang out, went watch shopping, had an unbelievable breakfast at the Waterfront, raided Jaguar and went to places I haven't been to before like the Tiki Bar at Big Foot Studios, The Mermaid in Lapu-Lapu City and Takuza in downtown Colon. I also had a very relaxing Linggam massage in Mandaue. It was a break from the usual stuff I did when I resided in Cebu.

This long journey I'm taking to get back home is just what I need. I need time to reflect and reconcile everything that transpired during my unforgettable and life changing stint in Cebu. Hopefully when I get back in Manila I'll have a clearer picture of what I want to do with my life. For now, I just want to take it slow, I still need time to settle my issues. My life at this time is too complicated and I don't want more complications. I need to redefine myself once again and get out of the shadow of my past.

So this is where I'm cleaning my slate. I'm leaving all my excess baggage in Cebu and threading through this long voyage back to self-discovery and enlightenment. So it's goodbye Cebu, you've been great. Thank you for all the memories.

Jenny’s Story (The Final Episode)

2010-08-19T23:03:00.000-07:00

A few days after the New Year, I went to Jenny’s house to tell her parents that she was pregnant with my child, it was the proper thing to do. I didn’t want her to tell them herself, I didn’t want her to carry the burden of breaking their hearts.

Her mom started crying and said she had already figured but did not want to ask. Her dad asked me what I intended to do about it. I told them that if they would agree, I would take care of Jen and our expected baby. We didn’t talk about marriage, both Jenny and I agreed we didn’t want to. They consented to what we wanted and after that I took her in and we started living-in together.

Meanwhile, I still didn’t have a job. The bar which I own and have been managing for the past four years was out of the question. I asked my dad if he could help me get into the Bureau. The Bureau of Immigration has always been like a family thing- my grandfather was one of the first few officials when it started in the 1940s, my dad joined before he got to finish college in the late 70s and was Regional Administrative Director for Visayas and Mindanao at the time that I asked him. Dad did not want me to join the Bureau, he said it wasn’t for me and I should just go find a different job in the private sector, he says the government was too dirty, he didn’t want me to get sucked in. So even if I really did not want to, I looked for work somewhere else.

I applied for work at GE Money Servicing in Alabang where my friend’s brother worked and got hired immediately as a Customer Service Agent. The salary was better than what I expected, the office was near and I was used to the line of work, but I really didn’t want to go back into it. Anyway, it was the only thing available at that time so I went with it.

Months passed and everything was okay. Jenny’s tummy was getting bigger and mine was too. Work was fine, I had adjusted fully and was enjoying the people I was working with. Jenny and I were happy, we were building a family, we talked about a lot of things that we wanted to do for our baby and we planned on what we were going to do for ourselves.

My friends threw a baby shower for Jenny around March. Kat, my best friend Jojo’s wife was the one who initiated everything, she had a lot of help from Kaycee and Angge who were always there for me since the beginning. They were all excited about the baby.

Jenny's best friends

The baby shower was something to remember. There were little pink cupcakes that Kat bought, there was a diaper cake which was also from Kat that she made herself, there were a lot of games which Kaycee emceed and everything, including the decorations and the prizes were all provided by them. All I had to do was cook and prepare the booze. Most of my closest friends were there. I saw some old friends that I didn’t expect to come. It was a fun night. Jenny was really happy, although only a handful of her friends showed up.

Sophie's first stuff

I was like a little boy trying to inventory everything when we finished with the baby shower. I thanked everyone who came and noted each ones gift. I posted pictures on Multiply afterward, and sent everyone a ‘thank you’ message. My good friend Djong even commented on my pictures on Multiply she said ,“Parang naniningil ka ng utang, lisita mo lahat ng binigay namin. ”,when she saw the picture of me making an inventory. I was just happy for everyone’s contribution. Four months before Sophia was born, she already had everything she needed and more.

We were not always happy when Jenny was still pregnant. One morning when I came home from work, I checked her phone and I saw some text messages that caught my attention. She always hid her phone and erased her messages before I came home every morning. That time she forgot and she was still sleeping when I arrived. She was talking to her old ex-boyfriend who was a doctor in the States. She was asking him how he was and they were exchanging sweet messages. I forgot exactly how their exchange went but it was really foul. I got the guy’s number and made a long distance call, he didn’t answer, what I got was his voice mail. A few minutes later he sent a text message asking who I was. I told him I was Jenny’s husband, she was a few months away from giving birth and we were starting a family. He was surprised with the situation but he didn’t back down. He said Jenny was the one who initiated the conversation and he doesn’t care who I was and he didn’t give a fuck. He was sort of dumb to be a doctor, I was expecting he would understand since he’s older and we are both educated people, he was very childish and rude. I didn’t lose my temper though, I told him I was sorry if that was the case but he has to leave her alone, she’s carrying my kid and he has to let go. Eventually, after a few exchanges, he told me to tell jenny not to text or call him. He didn’t even apologize. I was really aggravated by this fucker. I woke up Jenny after we talked. I threw her new Nokia Supernova mobile phone I just bought for her a few weeks back to her face. She started crying, she said she was sorry. I wanted an explanation since I thought we were doing well, she said her parents badly needed money and he didn’t want to ask me anymore since I already gave too much. Her mom asked if she could contact this Ex because he might be able to send some money. I was really pissed with her mom- she’s a monster, a parasite, a leach. After everything I’ve done for them this is how they want to play things. Anyway, that was the last time I heard from the guy, after that Jenny’s family and I didn’t get along well.

Jenny and her mom got into a fight after that, they didn’t talk for months. Eventually, one afternoon while I was sleeping, an official from the Baranggay came looking for me. I went out in my boxer shorts and saw a vehicle with a few Baranggay tanods parked outside my house. My neighbors where very curious and were in the street wondering what was going on. I asked what the deal was from the lady official, she said I had a complaint from Jenny’s mom and I should come with the m to the Baranggay Hall to settle things. Jenny’s mom was accusing me of abducting her daughter and said that I wasn’t allowing her to come home. She also said I should bring Jenny with me to the Baranggay Hall so we can all talk. Even if I didn’t want to go, I had to. I told the official I’ll just take a shower and go directly to the Hall but she insisted that they would wait for me. It was really embarrassing so I just put on a shirt and jeans and went directly to the place.

When we got to the Baranggay Hall, her mom and dad were there. Her mom was crying and the mediator from the Baranggay was comforting her. Her dad looked like an idiot who didn’t know what to do. Her dad was a weakling - he couldn’t say no to her mom, he was just dragged there to show face. I asked her mom what the deal was - I was taking care of Jenny, she was pregnant with my baby and I don’t know why I was there. The mediator was an asshole, he asked me right away how old Jenny is and at that time she was just eighteen. He also asked how many months she was pregnant with my child. That got me a little worried and a little agitated because I knew he wanted to charge me with something like –‘corruption of minor’ or ‘statutory rape’, which I was neither guilty of. Jenny and I got together a few days before her eighteenth birthday but she didn’t get pregnant until a few months after. Anyway that really got into my nerves. I wanted to punch the guys face in. I told the asshole mediator and Jenny’s mom that she can go home whenever she wanted, I wasn’t stopping her and they should talk since it was their problem and not mine. Jenny didn’t want to budge but the mediator was really persuasive. Anyway, it all ended with Jenny and her mom making amends and me looking like a complete moron. I made my peace with them anyway, but I really was amazed how low her mom could get.

Jenny & Sophie a few hours after birth

Sophie was born June 3, 2008. Jenny had a hard time bringing her out. She endured thirty two hours of labor before Sophie came into the world. I filed for paternal leave the night before because I knew she was well on her way. I didn’t get much sleep those two days. I had to stay with her all the time. I had to pack everything and to make sure she had all she needed. I smoked like six to ten packs of Marlboro while she was in labor. After thirty two hours, Sophie was born. She was all pale and still. Her umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck twice and we were all worried she was not moving. Dra. Amurao, the attending physician put an oxygen mask on Sophie and she coughed after a few seconds. She started crying and we were all relieved. They put her in the nursery while they stitched up Jen. I held Jenny’s hand while they did that because I was worried about her too, she was so weak and I knew she had been through a lot. I was really happy that her hardship was over and thankful for our beautiful baby girl.

10 minutes after she was born

Angge and Kaycee were Sophie’s first visitors. Kaycee took pictures of her even before I got to really see her and hold her. She took a video of her crying while I was still with Jen and took pictures of me with my baby the first time I held her. Pictures of Sophie were already on Multiply an hour after she came out. Everyone started greeting Jen and I for the lovely little brat.

It was really an exciting first few months. We had a yaya waiting one month before Sophie was even born. I had bought everything she needed and the house was well prepared. Sophie had her picture taken every day. Everyone was excited. We had a lot of visitors and she was such a pretty little bundle of joy.

Sanctuario De San Antonio Parish Church

We decided to give her a proper baptism. We didn’t have much money when we were expecting her so she was just born at a nearby maternity clinic and not somewhere fancy like Asian Hospital or Makati Medical Center. We wanted to make her baptism special so we booked it at Sanctaurio de San Antonio Parish Church in Forbes Park. We had our Ninongs and Ninangs picked out. I actually had an upper hand on picking. Jenny just had one of her friends as Ninang and I picked everybody else. It was unfair but she wanted it also that way. She didn’t know who she wanted to be our daughter’s Godparents.

Rewind Music Lounge

Jenny started managing my bar a few months after she gave birth, it was actually really slow and was not earning much at all. For the past six to ten months nobody was running the bar, my brother and my mom would check on it once in a while but nobody really got to manage it properly. So instead of her taking care of Sophie, she had her nights at the bar and went home around two or three in the morning. I told her that whatever the bar earned, she can keep for herself. Sales picked up but also my worries. She was always drinking and I would most of the time see her passed out at the front porch when I got home from work around five in the morning. I gave Jen her own car and she was always out. She had been neglecting Sophie, and I was the only one checking on Sophie’s needs.

I had her enroll in school again since I had money saved up for it, she enrolled in a two-year programming course at Informatics, but she didn’t even finish one term. She said she didn’t want to study anymore since she doesn’t have the brains for it. I was really disappointed, I was expecting her to have some interest on it since she was the one who picked the course and it was for her and not me. It was for her so she can have her own career set and not just be an uneducated housewife. She didn’t want to go back, said it was just a waste of time and money. She also gave up on the bar after a few months and totally stopped drinking but started to smoke pot a lot. We weren’t getting along well during those times, we always fought. She was always out, being the “taong kalye” that she was, and hung out with her imbecile brother Boyong and his "batang hamog" every night instead of taking care of Sophia who was left with the yaya. I couldn’t stand her anymore at that time. I hated work, I was always stressed and I didn’t want to come home because I didn’t want to see her. It was a nightmare for me. I didn’t understand why she was so unhappy. She didn’t take care of our daughter and always complained how she hates our house and everyone in it. I just started playing Mafiawars everyday to ease the tension between us. We didn’t talk much, I only talked to her to ask if she needed anything like money or new clothes. We always fought and she always threatened to take Sophie away from me. She ran away twice but on both occasions came back a few days later without any word. I didn't say anything either.

By October, I really couldn’t stand her anymore that I decided to move in with my dad in Cebu so I don’t have to deal with her. I quit work and flew over to Cebu to take care of my dad. We decided to break up and agreed not tell her parents. We also agreed that she'll continue staying at home until the time comes that she's ready to move, I told her I would help her with anything that will get her set. By end of October, I had money come in from the court settlement against the people responsible for blowing up the bar. I had almost half a million to work with. I gave her some money to start with but the money just went to her family instead. I didn’t go home, I stayed with my dad in Cebu since he was really sick and my mom was very worried about his health. I stayed with him until his time came to pass.

My dad died December 8, 2009 at ten o’clock in the morning. It was my brother’s birthday. I went home for the funeral. I had not seen Jenny for months and now she’s all sweet and caring. I guess she wanted to make up for all the shit that went on between us but I really didn’t want to deal with her anymore. It was over between us but we still talked for Sophie’s sake.

January came and I was still living in Cebu. I was not there to take care of my dad anymore; I was there to replace him at the Bureau, I was waiting to be appointed and was fixing my work papers.

Meanwhile, Jenny still hung out with her brother who was at that time a small-time marijuana dealer. She was funding his operation. I received a call from my sister around one o’clock in the morning one night. She was apathetic, she said, "Kuya, ‘ANG JENNY’ nasa Precinto nahuli sa checkpoint ma may bitbit na Juts.", I called Jenny on her mobile right away and asked what was going on. She and her brother were riding a motorcycle and got picked up by the police because they were not wearing any helmets. The police officers found several tea bags of Marijuana in their possession. It was a really stupid way to get caught. I asked my frat brothers Jojo and Angge to get her out since I was in Cebu and couldn’t do anything from there. Jo and Angge talked to the police and paid them off so she and her brother could get out of detention. I had to owe them money which I would have rather have spent on something else like Sophie’s clothes. Both Jojo and Angge were hesitant to get her out since they knew she’d been a pain in my ass for quite awhile and most likely if she gets to be convicted of drug dealing or possession, DSWD would give me Sophie’s custody straight out. I didn’t want to be an asshole. She still is my daughter’s mother and since I requested them to take care of her for me, they obliged.

By February, everything was different. It seemed like she didn't exist to me anymore, we never talked after the drug incident and she was already used to the fact that I was never coming back. I had met someone new and was really happy with my new life in Cebu. For the first time in a long while it felt like I was alive again. A new life, a new place. I was happy, really happy.

By the first week of March, Jenny left for Singapore to work. She had been planning on leaving for months and she finally got a call from her employer. I bought her a ticket, new clothes and gave her pocket money to spend. She had finally found her own life.

We don’t talk anymore, last time we did was Sophie’s second birthday back in June when I decided to call her so she can talk to our daughter. She stopped calling after she knew I was seeing someone else.

Jenny and I were really not meant to be together, we both knew we were not right for each other from the start, we knew we were different people, but we tried to make it work for our child. It was just too damn difficult to get along. It was really better that it ended that way. She has her own life now and I have mine and the good thing about her is she trusts me with our daughter and because of that I am thankful.

I don’t know until when Sophie will be with me so I’m just trying to enjoy every moment with her. One day, Jenny will take her from me and I might not get to see her as much as I want. Most probably she’ll end up marrying someone and so will I, and for Sophie’s were just going to have to share her some way. So that’s her story, and mine. She will always be my daughter’s mom, we will always have Sophie in our best interest, but that is the only thing we would have in common. It’s really good that things turned out well for both of us. It’s not that bad an ending after all…

Taken from Jenny's hometown in Nueva Ecija 2009

An Open Letter to California Girl

2010-08-15T15:02:00.000-07:00

I’m sorry I wasn’t who you imagined- I wasn’t the prince charming you thought I was. It was a bad time for me when you came along, I still have a lot of unresolved issues and I wasn't expecting someone like you to enter my life. Everything for me is still up in the air and I still don't know how things would fall down. Regrettably, I looked weak and irresponsible, but I did try my best to keep you happy, unfortunately, I know I still came out short.

I wish that I could have done more for you, I wish I did everything right, I still wish things didn’t turn out the way they did. I blame myself for losing you and I totally understand your reasons for leaving me.

From the moment I met you, I didn’t want anyone else- I couldn’t get you off my head. I still remember the first time I saw you, I was held speechless when you smiled, winked and walked towards our table. You looked like an Angel with your hair down and your face all lit up. You radiated like an apparition that blurred everyone else in sight. You put a spell on me from that moment and I still replay that every now and then in my head.

I knew you were too young, I knew you were leaving and I knew you weren’t interested but I just couldn’t leave you alone. I wasn't satisfied with just being a friend. Even though I knew it was almost impossible and my chances were slim to none. I don’t know how but surprisingly you fell for me too, and that was something I wouldn’t have imagined. I felt like I won the lottery when we got together, it was surreal and certainly one of the happiest days of my life.

I told myself I would do everything I can to keep you happy, to make you feel special and to love you until it hurts. I think I accomplished that because it hurt like hell when we broke up. It hurt more that you hooked up with someone else just after a few weeks, but I knew that was bound to happen, we already talked about that before you left for the States, I told you that it wasn’t impossible that the first good guy that you meet would more than likely sweep you off your feet and you’ll forget about me just like that, though I didn't expect it to be that abrupt.

I was really happy when we were together, the happiest I've been with someone. I will always treasure the time we spent together. It was really great while it lasted. It felt like we were together for years already even if it was just for a few months. What we shared was special, something unexpected in that short amount of time.

I’ll never forget how well your whole clan treated me. I felt like I was family and that meant a lot.

The next girl I would hook up with would probably be the “ONE”, but you’ll always hold a special place in my heart. You are the first girl I loved unconditionally. I’m glad I did that, and didn’t leave any room for myself, at least now I know how it really feels to give oneself totally to someone. I cried more in the five months that we were together than all my relationships combined.

I think I’m okay now. I’ve realized that we weren’t meant to be together, it was just an illusion I had in my head. A dream, just a beautiful and unbelievable dream...

I hope you’re happy where you are right now. I hope he treats you right. I hope you get everything you wish for and I hope you have a good life.

I still miss you and I still think about you a lot but I’ve finally learned to let go.

You take care of yourself. It was a long roller coaster ride, there were a lot of highs and lows but I loved every bit of it, and again NO REGRETS.

Daddy's Home

2010-08-11T08:05:00.000-07:00

I left home to find something I thought I needed, I wanted someone whom I would fall madly in love with and love me back the same way. I was hoping some miracle happens and I get to have the girl of my dreams and keep her for the rest of my life. I went home with my heart broken into a thousand pieces.

I guess I was too stupid to see the whole picture. The girl I was looking for was just home all along waiting for me.

I'm sorry baby, daddy's home now. I love you.

Making Up For Lost Time

2010-07-31T13:47:00.000-07:00

It's 4 0 'clock in the morning on a saturday night and i'm home online.I wanted to go out but I don't want to drink anymore and no one wants to drink out anyway. I ran out of valiums and i couldnt sleep. I'd usually just stroll around but I also lost my car keys. What a fucked up day. I took a few Sleepasils but its not working.

I'm actually hoping she'd go online but I wouldn't know what to say to her anymore. I think I already said everything I wanted and I told her I wouldn't bother her anymore so she can go on with her life. I just miss her. I miss talking to her, its what I've been used to these past two months. I'm just bothered that I don't know if she's still mad at me or if she'd already forgotten about me.

I've been drinking all week just to avoid going online, I've ran out of drinking partners, they all think I'm crazy, I always say I want to go home puking and I never do, except for last night.

I've been out with my daughter more these past few days since I got back from Cebu. She's the only one that calms me down at this time besides alcohol. She's grown smart, thank god. I've neglected her these past few months, I don't even know how she got to be so witty. I'll try to be a better father from now on. I couldn't be the best partner but I'll try to be the best dad for my daughter. I'm taking her to the zoo tomorrow, just us two. I'll never let her down again. I feel so bad that I thought of leaving her just to follow the girl I love, It was really selfish and I'll try to make up for it. Sophie's the only good thing I have right now but I think I'm going to be okay, she's all I need to be better. She's the only girl I know who will love me even if I make mistakes.

Peter Pan Will Never Find His Way Home

2010-07-26T13:45:00.000-07:00

I guess Neverland is somewhere I'll be stuck on for the rest of my life. My Wendy has grown up, and again I'm back to being alone in this world I built for myself. I'll always be a dreamer and I'll always end up losing my way home. I'm just gonna have to deal with it. It's tiring to be an idealist when you're faced with reality all the time.

The One True Love of My Life

2010-06-03T04:42:00.000-07:00

She loves:

Hugs and kisses

Saying “I Love You” out loud where everyone can hear

Long leisurely walks

Driving around without any destination

Eating out and trying new food

Pigging out and food fights

Playing in the rain

Loitering at the park

Dates at the supermarket

Picking out my clothes

Movie marathons with popcorn and soda

Sharing ice cream cones

Bubble baths and long showers

Piggy back rides

Getting tickled in bed

She brightens my day with her smile and she adores me even if I look really bad...

She calls me daddy…

My one and only chocolate colored, super hyper little princess, Sophie.

My one true love, my reason to be a better man.

Happy 2nd Birthday Cacao! Daddy loves you.

A Fool's Farewell

2010-05-28T15:01:00.000-07:00

I just got back in from Metro Club Cebu and I can feel how gloomy the apartment is now that she’s gone. I packed my bags earlier and I couldn’t think of what to bring back to Manila. I want to go back home and start over. I left a lot of stuff hanging since I’ve been gone to “Neverland” with her and I want to reestablish myself again, but still I wish I didn’t have to just yet. I wish things were different, I wish she didn’t have to go. I want to leave this place as it is because I’m still hoping that one day she’ll be back and we could be happy again playing ”bahay- bahayan” in our own little world, but most probably in a month or two I’m going to have to give this all up.

When we got together I knew it was not going to last long. I knew she was leaving but the thought of being with her is too hard to resist. I mean, who would bet on a charmingly beautiful eighteen year old falling for a washed up thirty year old guy? It’s like betting on Clottey winning over Pacquiao in a boxing match – the odds don’t compute.

Now that she’d left for Los Angeles and not sure of when she’d be coming back, I’m still betting that things between us would work out. I know only fools think they can have things they couldn’t have but call me a fool any day if that means I could dream that we’d be okay.

I’ve had someone special leave me before after she went to the states and it’s really hard for me to imagine her not leaving me too. I know she’s very young and still wants to do a lot of things with her life, she still wants to experience things she hasn’t yet and I want her to enjoy that but I hope that doesn’t necessarily mean I couldn’t be part of it…

At the airport earlier, when she was saying her goodbyes, I wanted to cry but I didn’t. I was too preoccupied by the idea that her friends might be more important to her than me and it kind of hurt me to feel that even if I don’t know if that’s true. I cried when I got back home, after I realized that that might be the last time I see her and I didn’t even show or say how much I love her and how I’ll miss her.

My world revolved around her these past couple of months, I got sidetracked. I left Manila, my kid, my work and everything else for her and I hope that the memories we shared won’t just end up in a box in her basement someday. People have affairs or entire relationships - they break up and they forget, they move on like they have just changed brands of cigarettes. I don’t want that, not with her.

We tried to squeeze five years of worthwhile memories into three months and I kind of regret that we didn’t do much with our time. I wanted to take her places, wanted her to see stuff and taste stuff but with the way things are going for me this past months that wasn’t possible and I’m sorry I couldn’t give her that.

I’m going home now… my plane leaves in an hour… its back to reality for me. My imaginary castle had collapsed just as my princess had left…

Slideshow of my Life

2010-04-28T10:40:00.000-07:00

There are days that stick with you. Days that if your life where flashing right before you seconds before you die these moments would be on included on the slide show of your life. These are my highlights… these are the moments that counted… these are the moments I knew I lived.

My First Time at the Circus

I was around five years old when Ringling Bros & Barnum and Bailey came to town. I couldn’t remember exactly where but most likely it was at the Manila Zoo parking lot that they set-up tent - I remembered seeing the huge fish like entrance of the children’s playground across the zoo. It was my first time at the circus and I was amazed by the acrobats and the dancers and clowns that lined the ring. I'm sure I saw tigers and elephants doing tricks for the crowd… I remembered having my picture taken in front of the tent with my funny chicken hat on and i was wearing brown slacks and loafers. It was great, I wish I could retrieve that picture. It was a memory that I couldn’t forget from my childhood…

The Weekend My Dad Took Me Out Of Town

I was about nine years old when my dad took me to Clark Airbase with him for work. It was a bright morning when we left the house. My little brother whom was around two years old at that time wanted to go with us, I had to hide under the dashboard of the front seat of our white 1981 Ford Cortina GL when we left. It was a long drive for me at that time, it was the first time I really went anywhere far. It was my first trip out of town. We got to Dau, Pampangga around three in the afternoon, dad took me swimming at a nearby water park near the PX stores. We dropped by KFC to buy a bucket of chicken, mashed potatoes and corn on the cob which they don’t sell anymore nowadays. I stayed with him at Clark for two days, he took me to the driving range,we went bowling, played arcade games, toured the airfield grounds and went to the firing range. We mostly ate spaghetti and burgers during our stay. It was the first time we went anywhere together and that memory I will keep for the rest of my life.

My First Car

I was around fifteen when my dad bought this great looking car. It was a beige 1967 Chevrolet Camaro Rally Sport which he bought from a friend. It was our project car, we always took it out for a spin, even taught me how to drive using that car. We were always trying to make it look and drive better, we had power steering and power windows installed, racing stripes put in, we even set up the sound system – it played with ten speakers including four subwoofers- front and back and three amplifiers. It was fast, it was loud and it rocked.

Early morning of my sixteenth birthday, dad gave me the keys. It was a really great surprise. I still have the car but it’s now s mess waiting for restoration. It’s one of the few things he gave me that I’m keeping until the time comes that I could pass it on to my own kid.

The Day Anima and I Got Together

It was three days after my sixteenth birthday and we were both late for flag ceremony. I was running to my classroom to ditch my bag when I saw her running towards hers. I went to her classroom, no one was there but her - we were alone. I’ve been following her around like a lost puppy for weeks and she knew I was gonna ask her what our status was eventually. It was my first time courting someone and I really didn’t have any clue.

It was the only time we were alone and I awkwardly decided to ask her... I took her hand and said, “ I love you, do you feel the same?”, she then replied uneasily, “ Yes.” …and then we kissed… We were together for ten years…

The Day I Felt I Played My Part

“The final test of a leader is that he leaves behind him in other men the conviction and the will to carry on.” by Walter Lippmann

It was December of 2002 and it was my College fraternity’s anniversary. I had just given up my position from the fraternity since i was graduating… I was on as the Grand Chancellor for a year and afterwards became officer-in-charge for another two years since our numbers were dwindling… the fraternity wasn’t doing well at that time and the recruitment slowed down, at one point there were only five of us left to carry the flag, but a few months back things turned a different route. In about six months time we were able to recruit around twenty or so new members and it was the start of another golden age for our fraternity. After I retired, three of my closest protege's had their turn of being Grand Chancellor and most of the others took turns in filling the other important posts. We had our picture taken during that Anniversary and I am really proud that I was one of the people responsible for turning our dying organization to what it is now. These are my crew, the people that I am proud to say carried the torch after me. The ones that I hold most dear…

The Day Anima and I Finally Called It Quits

She studied at Columbia University in New York the year before where she took up a Masters Degree in Journalism. I was supposed to follow her but I didn't, a mistake I still regret up to now. She had met this new guy while she was there and when she came back things between us were different. She told me about him but I still didn't want to let her go. I tried to fix whatever we still had but I guess at that point, nothing I do could would ever repair what we had.

Her last email from my Gmail account dated 06 October 2005:

To the love of my life,

I know you won't wait, and you shouldn't. I'm sorry it has to be this way. I'm sorry that I can't give you a straight answer, that I don't know what I want, or that I do and I just don't know if now is the right time. I wish it could be otherwise. i wish things could work out the way they used to. but as time goes by, I find it harder and harder to pretend that things are still the same. I know they're not. And I know that what I did left irreparable damage to what we had. We can't just pick up where we left off, although I know that seems like the simplest thing to do.

You know you meant the world to me too. Sweetie ko. My LIFE. I learned everything I had to learn from you. I still love you with all my heart. But maybe you're right. It is time to move on. I don't know. Hindi ko alam ba't hindi ko kaya tayo ipaglaban. And because of this, then as you said, I'm not worth it.

I don't want to play any games. Not with you. I never wanted to contact you unless I was sure of the things I had to say. I don't want to jerk you around cause I have so much respect for you. You will always be on a pedestal. No one could ever compare and no one could ever replace you in my life. I don't want them to. You will always be my JP, my hun, my sweetie. My defender, protector. My best friend, my twin soul. The love of my life.

So I guess this is goodbye. I'm sorry for everything I've done. I love you sweetie. Thank you for the love and incredible times (both good and bad) we had. I hope you never forget the reasons why i believed in you.

That was the end of it… It was the single most painful experience I had to go through… Not even getting shot at or having a grenade shrapnel enter my leg could compare...

The New Year’s Eve I Knew Things Were Not Going To Be The Same

It was New Year’s Eve and I was just adjusting to the fact that Jenny was pregnant and in a few months I would be a dad. I was cooking ‘Buena Noche’ for the family. The menu was composed of seafood Paella, Morcon, beef Caldereta and I had prepared macaroni and apple & potato salads and a tray of cold cut ham and cheeses. I was left alone at the dirty kitchen where I was prepping the food. My family and the helpers were all out on the street socializing with the neighbors. I finished cooking and went out to the back yard to get some air and smoke. As I lit my cigarette I noticed the sky filled with dazzling fireworks, it just turned midnight and the night sky was so bright.

Tears just started rolling down my eyes. I knew things would never be the same. Everything I had planned before was now inconceivable. I had to find work, I had to save up and I had to make sure Jenny and our baby are going to be okay. It was the commencement of my new life and the passing of the year culminated the dusk of my old lighthearted existence.

The Day I Became A Dad

It was a stressful thirty two hours that we waited for Sophia. She was born June 3, 2008 at 5:45 pm at the maternity clinic near my house. Jenny had a hard time bringing her out, Sophie’s umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck twice and when she got out of her tummy she was pale as paper, everybody was worried that we had lost her. She started crying after breathing from a machine after a minute or two. It felt strange seeing her for the first time, I knew I was half responsible for bringing her to life and It felt surreal that I’m seeing my baby for the first time. She’s my princess, my precious one, the reason I need to do better and stay alive...

The Day I Lost My Father

Mom called around ten in the morning, I was still drunk from the night before and woke up with her rattled voice over the phone. She told me that my dad was at the Intensive Care Unit in Medical Center- Paranaque. They took him to the emergency room the night before when he coughed up blood and couldn’t stand the pain from his stomach. He’s had Liver Cirrhosis for quite awhile but had never felt any pain from it until few weeks from then. He has been in and out of the hospital for several months and we knew he had gotten worse.

I was still in Cebu and had visitors over. I was supposed to come home the next day and was already packed and ready to go. She wasn’t sure if I had to go home right away and advised me to just wait for her call if I need to go home or not. I decided to call my sister Dassah because she was with him at the ICU at that time. I asked her how he was doing and she started to cry, said I should go home, she didn’t think he would last another day. After the call I went out to withdraw some money and called a few people who could help me rebook my flight, I decided to run by the driving range to get my dad’s golf clubs which we left there the last time we went to practice. As I was driving back home to his apartment I received a call from Eula her secretary… she was crying and I couldn’t really decipher what she was saying but the tone of her voice alarmed me. I figured that my dad had passed… I parked at the curb and had to turn off the engine. I lit a smoke and then called my mom to confirm. She answered the phone and I started to cry. It felt unreal, I was with him a few days ago and he was fine. He had been living in Cebu for the last nine years and it was only those last few weeks of his life that we had spent real time together for a really long while. We had time to catch up and that meant a lot. Even if I wasn’t home at the time he passed, that week we had time to reconnect. We went out to dinner, we had tea at his favorite restaurant and he had time to tell me things he wants done whenever the time comes that he did pass.

He had a good life. I’d like to think he had everything he wanted. Too bad he’s going to miss out on teaching his granddaughter how to play golf and seeing her dance her 18 roses but still I’m happy he died happy. Life is not about how long you live, it’s how you used your time and he lived well...

My Thirtyfirst Birthday

I spent the eve of my thirtyfirst birthday at home with the company of my best friend, my new found confidantes and the woman who makes my days worthwhile. It was just a quiet night at my pad, it wasn’t anything like my past birthdays where I had a party of some sort. We were just watching True Blood on DVD and had Generoso and pineapple juice to drink and instant pancit canton, potato chips and nuts for pulutan. I felt lucky, I had everything I needed in that room. It was the perfect birthday.

My Favorite Past Time

2010-03-31T01:01:00.000-07:00

Long drives or heavy traffic doesn’t seem to matter as long as I’m with her. I love that she loves holding my hand…

The Best Day Any Man Could Have

2010-03-21T04:11:00.000-07:00

I spent the eve of my 31st birthday at home with the company of my best friend, my new found confidantes and the woman who makes my days worthwhile. The best day I’ve had in years…

Sweet Dream

2010-03-15T19:40:00.000-07:00

As she lies graciously in my bed, I couldn't help but think that she probably is the prettiest girl I've ever dated and I wouldn’t want to do anything to fuck it up. I’m this aging bum dating this wonderful eighteen year old dream. Most likely it wouldn’t work out but still I could say that at least at one point of my tragic, twisted semblance of a life, I was lucky enough to be with her.

A New Chapter Begins

2010-03-15T01:58:00.000-07:00

“We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day.” ~Edith Lovejoy Pierce

She called and said we needed to talk. It’s been three months since we broke up and a lot has happened. I was giving up Rewind after someone from the rival fraternity threw a grenade which almost killed me and five others, I was planning to pursue a culinary career and was about to enroll for a Diploma in Culinary Arts and Kitchen Management program at International School for Culinary Arts and Hotel Management in Quezon City where they have the best European Chef instructors in the country and to top that, I was already used to the idea of not having her around.

I didn’t know what she wanted to talk about but I knew it wasn’t good. She called me up around eight o’clock in the evening but didn’t arrive at my house until past one o’clock in the morning. She came with her friend Dianne, whom I haven’t met before that night. She looked like she had been crying and wasn’t speaking much. I let them in and escorted them to the garden. I had a feeling I knew what she was about to say but i had to hear it from her.

We were now sitting under the garden trellis when she started crying and wasn’t saying anything. I asked what the problem was and then Dianne blurted out the news… She said “Buntis si Jenny, five months na at ikaw ang ama”. I wasn’t really surprised, I knew that the moment they arrived. I asked Dianne to leave us alone to talk but really didn’t know what to say. We were quiet for a few minutes. I was dumbfounded, I never thought of getting her pregnant, I didn’t know how it happened, we were always careful but most of the time we were also drunk.

She was scared and kept on crying. I had to say something to calm her down and not look like an apathetic jerk. I asked if she had seen a doctor and if she’s sure the baby was mine. She told me she already got an ultrasound to be sure, and said I was the only one she was seeing for the past few months. She said it was definitely mine and I didn’t contest. I asked her what she was planning to do but she was so disturbed she didn’t know what to say. I had to make a decision then and there so I just thought of the appropriate thing to do.

I told her that if she agreed, I’ll take her and our baby in. I was actually broke at that time. No income was coming in since the bar wasn’t doing great after the incident and I was still recuperating from the injuries I sustained from the explosion. She didn’t say a thing, but I guess her silence meant she consented.

She stayed the night. We tried to think of what to do and how to tell everyone. I had compounded emotions,I was happy that I was going to be a father but was dismayed because out of all the women I had dated before, she was the one I had to get pregnant. I knew my life would change drastically, and it did…

A few days later I had to tell my parents. I had to wait until my dad came home from Cebu before I give them the news. They weren’t really too fond of me that time. My business was suffering because of the frat related incident at the bar, and I was bumming around the house doing nothing. I told them about Jenny and they asked me what I intended to do. I told them that I’ve decided to take her in and care for her. They didn’t disagree, though they were worried how I was going to deal. Jenny and I agreed not to tell her parents until after the new year came and so for the meantime, I didn’t have to worry about that.

It was New Year’s Eve and I was cooking ‘Buena Noche’ for the family. We usually had my cousins and some friends come over on that night to join us. I cooked seafood Paella, Morcon, beef Caldereta and had prepared macaroni and apple & potato salads and a tray of cold cut ham and cheeses. I was left alone at the dirty kitchen where I was prepping the food. My family and the helpers were all out on the street socializing with the neighbors. I finished cooking and went out to the back yard to get some air and smoke. As I lit my cigarette I noticed the sky filled with dazzling fireworks, it just turned midnight and the night sky was so bright.

Tears just started rolling down my face, I knew things would never be the same. Everything I had planned before was now inconceivable. I had to find work, I had to save up and I had to make sure Jenny and our baby are going to be okay. It was the commencement of my new life and the passing of 2007 culminated the dusk of my old lighthearted existence.

About A Girl

2007-10-31T08:12:00.000-07:00

It was just another night at the music lounge when she walked in. She was alone and looked like she already had a few drinks. It was a slow night, the bar was empty except for me, a friend and my crew. Mark and I were at the bar counter talking while she sat across us on the vacant black couch by the window. My two waitresses knew her. She lived nearby and hung around a lot at my little sister’s internet cafe across the street where my waitresses also stayed upstairs at our staff house. They introduced us casually and asked if they could join her. I gave them permission to drink since she didn’t have company, I didn’t mind them drinking, there was no one to serve anyway and after all I wasn’t the one paying.

She was quite tall, slender and beautifully tanned. She’d easily pass as a model except for her carefree childlike walk. She was wearing low rider jeans, a sexy black razorback top and wore her hair up the way Mischa Barton does. She had this intoxicating smile and had inviting brown eyes that I couldn’t help but glance whenever I had a chance. Mark and I were talking intently about something but I kept getting distracted by her nearby presence.

An hour or so later she joined us. She came up to the bar to ask me for another bottle of beer and sat on one of the vacant bar stools. She had a few too many but still couldn’t be more charming. She had an animated personality and it amused me. She talked a lot and I was fascinated with her stories. Mark had friends come over and we were left alone to talk. We were too busy flirting that we didn’t even notice that Mark was gone. My bladder was swollen from too much drinking so I excused myself and went to the john. When I came out, I was surprised to see her outside the door, she wrapped her arms around me, we kissed and after a few minutes, she just left hurriedly. My waitresses were kinda shocked of what just occurred and apologized for her behavior. I just smiled and kept on drinking, who would complain? It was all good. She was just another girl to me, no one special, what happened was just one of the perks of owning a bar. I didn’t hear from her after that, we didn’t even exchange numbers, she just hopped into her gray Honda Wave and left.

Weeks passed and we cross paths at the internet cafe once in awhile but never talked or acknowledged the others presence. I guess it was awkward because of the way we met. Besides, her brothers always hung around the shop and I didn’t want to look like a sicko. She was only seventeen and I’m eleven years her senior.

One night at the bar, she came over. We had a brief text conversation the previous day when I asked her if she’d like to drop by sometime. She got my mobile number from Michelle, one of my crew, and then texted me out of the blue. I found her intriguing and I was sort of interested to know more about her. She had this wild child Angelina Jolie/Uma Thurman naughty but nice, tough girl aura that I couldn’t help but admire. Besides, I was kinda bummed out with the way things went with the girl I was obsessing with, I had to find a diversion. I had an idea of what she previously did for a living but that really didn’t mean much to me at that time. She used to work as a model for a big night club in Roxas Boulevard and I actually was turned on by that. I wasn’t looking for anybody to get serious with, I was just looking to have fun.

I was seated at the beat up sofa working on the month’s sales and inventory when she arrived. she sat herself at the bar where my crew were and ordered a Stallion. Michelle, Rose and she were friends so it wasn’t unusual to them that she dropped by to visit. I wasn’t done yet with my accounting so I let them chat while I finished off my work. After the paper work I got myself a cold one and sat across her behind the counter. I wasn’t really expecting her that night, though I hoped she would pop up. It was Mark’s birthday that evening and I was set on going to his house to see him. He planned this small get together for a few of us and I didn’t want to let him down. Though it was awkward, I asked her if she would mind coming with me to Mark’s party. Told her it was just nearby and if she didn’t like the company we could always head back. It was the first time she and I had ever spoken to each other after the time we kissed.

Mark’s party was set at the gazebo in the center of the village park in front of their house. The party set up was composed of two monoblock tables, a few chairs, a cd player and a case of warm San Miguel beer. Three old guys playing Tongits, Mark, Joel, Aris and Vice was the only ones there when we arrived. I asked her if she was okay with staying and she said she didn’t mind. Kaycee and Angge lived just a few blocks away and I had them hurry to get to Mark’s. She was the only girl there and I thought she’d feel more comfortable with another female around. Angge and Kaycee arrived a few minutes later but that didn’t help a lot. The party was awfully boring. Mark was playing cards with the old guys and didn’t really care if we were there or not. After an hour, I told them we had to leave and we went back to the bar.

We talked for hours and drank ‘til the bar closed. We got along pretty well that she came over every night after that. I always reeked of pessimism and sarcasm but being with her had changed all that, I was always smiling and didn’t care of what was happening around me. We were like in another planet when we were together, everyone was fuzzy and everything was a blur, the only thing I saw clearly was her. Eventually one night, someone asked if we were together. I guess we were so we said yes.

Things went too fast that I didn’t really have much time to think. I could have just treated her like some of the girls I go around with. I don’t know why but I got too engrossed with her that it felt right committing even if my better judgment said otherwise. I brought her everywhere and introduced her to everybody. It had been three years since I had someone to call mine and to my closest friends, it was a relief to see me happy with someone. I loved spending time with her and her mere presence was more than enough.

She spent the night before her eighteenth birthday with me at the bar though I really didn’t expect her to hang around that evening. I bought her an olive green corduroy coat that afternoon at the mall after playing at the Airport Casino, we have only been seeing each other for a couple of days and it was sort of instantaneous since I didn’t have much time to plan . There was no cake, no balloons and no noodles. It was just a quiet night with some friends and a few beers.

Next day came and she had planned this big celebration at their house. She’d been busy organizing it for weeks. I didn’t want to go because I wasn’t ready yet to meet the parents and I wasn’t sure I wanted to meet her friends. I was spending the night at the bar with a few of my frat brothers and friends when she sneaked out of the party to see me. She walked all the way from her house to the bar which took her about half an hour instead of 5 minutes. She was severely intoxicated that it was a miracle she didn’t trip or fall on her way over. She could barely stand when she got to the bar and I had to bring her home shortly after she arrived.

I parked in front of their house and saw that the party was still in progress. I told her I didn’t want to go down. Her mom came up and saw that she was inside the car. She was worried about her because she just left the party without telling anyone. She introduced me to her mom whom invited me to go down and eat. I told her mom I would like to but I had friends waiting and had to leave right away. Her mom sort of knew we were dating but was still routing for the 40 year old ex-boyfriend who was at the party (Which I didn’t know until weeks after when I saw the pictures). She kissed me on the cheek and said goodnight. It was awkward having to meet her mom that way but I guess it would have to happen some time or another.

The following weeks after that we spent most of our time together, our afternoons were usually wasted at the internet cafe or at the nearby mall and the nights at the bar drinking. She slept over most of the time and went home around noon the following day. The days we didn’t spend together were gloomy, we constantly texted when were apart. We were like lovebirds that couldn’t bear the others absence.

I found myself spellbound that I didn’t really mind what other people were thinking. My mom who usually was oblivious of the women I go out with asked if I was seriously into her and expressed her disapproval, my sister who didn’t really care much of whom I dated told me I severely lacked taste for seeing somebody like her, My horny frat brothers wanted me took hook them up with her friends from the club and a few of my good friends implicitly or expressly showed their dislike, I didn’t mind them, she made me happy and at that point it was all that mattered.

She started working again a month after we got together. Though I wasn’t enthralled with the idea there’s really nothing I could do. She had been doing the same thing from the time she was around sixteen. She’s the one who takes care of her three younger siblings schooling and I presume her job pretty much pays off the bills. It’s something I don’t have a say to, something I should have considered when we got together.

I picked her up on her first night on the job after I closed up shop around four in the morning. It felt odd because I was parked in front of the club and the whole time I was wondering what I was doing there. I used to wait outside night clubs before hoping to get laid. This time was different, I was seriously into her but I some how still felt like a pervert waiting for my prey. She had me wait awhile because she was still with one of her guests. I’m not sure why but I was fine with waiting and it really didn’t bother me much except for the fact that normally I wouldn’t be caught in that position. It’s like I didn’t care anymore and that rather freaked me out.

I was teaching her how to drive around that time and let her take the wheel on our way home. She had a whole lot to say about her first day and told me how she couldn’t stop thinking about me while she was there. I was quiet and wasn’t sure how to react or how to feel, It was all new to me. Instead of going home, she insisted that she stays the night at my place. Normally we would get it on like Energizer bunnies when we had time “alone”. That night we just talked and cuddled until we both fell asleep.

Around nine in the morning the following day my mom called my mobile. I woke up at the sound of her pissed off voice. My mom dropped by the internet shop on her way to work and the shop attendant said that her mom came by that morning asking for me, she was looking for her and was upset that she didn’t come home for the Nth time. She knew she’d find her with me and that scared me. Her mom wasn’t my biggest fan, the woman barely knew me and her only daughter spent most of her time at my place and at the bar.

I woke her up and asked her to go home immediately. I didn’t want to get into more trouble than there already was. She insisted on staying, said that there’s no problem at all. She’d just tell her mom that she slept at a friend’s house and it was no biggie. I sent her home anyway because we both were already too tensed to go back to sleep.

She texted me that everything was okay when she got home, told me her mom didn’t say a thing about that morning’s incident. I said I was sorry for freaking out because that was the first time something like that happened to me. She said she understood and she’d just try to lay low for awhile so I could ease up. I tried to catch up on sleep since I’ve only gotten a few hours of shut eye.

I woke up around three in the afternoon and called Ryan to pick me up. It was Wednesday, a tournament day at the Pacific Poker Palace and me and the boys usually meet up at the Airport Casino to play. I had too much in mind that I couldn’t play straight, I lost all my chips in the first few rounds. I just needed to be somewhere relaxing so I could clear my head. We finished around six in the evening and I had nowhere to go. I went back home to eat dinner and get a car, I wasn’t sure where I was gonna go but I just needed to be out. She sent a text message that she wanted to see me before she left for work but I didn’t want to see her just yet. One reason I felt comfortable being with her was because everything seemed simple and with the way things were turning out it was much more complicated than I thought. I felt like being sucked into a vacuum, it was asphyxiating. I didn’t expect to be in that sort of mess though I probably should have thought about it since she was practically living with me.

Around early evening someone from the bar called to tell me that her mom dropped by and asked for me. Her mom wanted to see me at their canteen so we could talk. Meeting the parents is something I’ve been avoiding since the break up with Anima. Its not because they might not like me, it’s mostly because I don’t want to get too attached to family when I’m not yet sure of how things are gonna go down. In this case, I was afraid they might ask me if I were serious with their daughter which at that instant I wasn’t sure. I didn’t want to be caught in a situation that I couldn’t handle so I didn’t go.

I took the night off from the bar and picked up a few of my favorite people. It was just me, my favorite couple - Angge and Kaycee and the former fixation – ‘Cinderella’. We strolled around the metro and decided on hanging out at Tiananmen in Makati Avenue. We didn’t talk much, they were all tired from work and I was too preoccupied with my thoughts, we just shared a few beers and chilled out for the rest of the night.

The night ended early so I decided to go back to the bar. It was just a few minutes past two in the morning and it was still too early for me to go home. I also needed a couple more beers to help me sleep. My mind was full of images of strippers in bridesmaid dresses and angry relatives sporting shotguns that I had to drown myself in alcohol. Somebody warned me that her mother had a temper and was rather scandalous. Her mom used to drag her home when she found her company unacceptable. I was afraid I’d be chewed up just like the most recent ex whom had a few run-ins with her mother.

Fyodor Dostoyevsky in Notes from the Underground once wrote– “A true autobiography is an impossibility…man is bound to lie about himself”. I already knew about the flings and nightclub guests who would call and text incessantly, the ex-boyfriends who were still trying to win her back, and the state of affairs of her family. Rose was the one who introduced us, she knew more about her family and friends, about other personal issues she might have failed to disclose and other things we never talk about. I was looking into Rose’s tales of her to help me decide whether she was worth it or not. I didn’t think much of what I got into before. I was too engulfed with “us” that it was all a big blur to me. I suddenly realized the depth of complication I had buried myself into that I decided that moment I wanted out.

Meanwhile, She had a fit and got off work early. She’d been walking in the rain through the village streets all night. I’ve been avoiding her calls all day and I guess she felt distressed. All I told her in my last text message before I turned off my phone was I needed time to think and she shouldn’t worry. She dropped by the bar a few minutes after I’ve left and my crew told her I already went home. She texted me around four o’clock in the morning asking if I were still awake. I didn’t reply, I was too tired from thinking and I just wanted to sleep it off.

Next day came and I still didn’t return her calls. She kept on asking where I was but I wouldn’t reply. She waited all afternoon at my sister’s shop but I didn’t show up. I spent the whole day at home thinking of how I should tell her I wanted out. It was already late and she was still at the shop waiting. I sent a message that I’d just see her after her work that night or maybe the following morning. She told me she wasn’t going to work until we talked so I gave in and told her where I was. She said she’d come by around ten o’clock and I should wait for her outside the house. I still wasn’t sure how to break it to her, we were doing really great up until the day before. I knew that day would come but not that soon. I was still enjoying her company and I’ve been surprisingly resilient to all the nasty stuff that has been happening that I was sure I could take more of what was to come. I guess I felt differently after the previous day’s events.

I got anxious and picked her up instead. She was sitting with her long face on the side walk in front of the internet shop when I passed by. I parked near the curb across the shop and walked toward her. She greeted me with a kiss and hugged me tight. She asked if I were fine and I couldn’t help but give a little smile. I wasn’t talking much but she didn’t mind, she just tried to cuddle while telling me how her day went. She has this way of avoiding serious conversation, it’s irritatingly cute but it works. She showed me her new seahorse tattoo on her left ankle which she got the day before when I was trying to diss her. She blamed her mom for all the trouble between us and she got the tattoo done just to piss her off.

I wasn’t sure how to tell her, not right after she’d been so glad to see me. I wanted to talk somewhere private so I could express my thoughts. We got in the car and drove off to 19East, a place somewhere in Posadas Village near Sucat Interchange. It was the nearest place I could think of that was usually was pretty private. We seated ourselves on the second floor deck of the garden restaurant. The place overlooked Laguna de bay and the lights of Rizal province from across the water. The scenery was calming and I felt somewhat relaxed. She was all smiles when we got there, she might have thought I was making up with a romantic date.

I said that I’d take her to work after we talked. She told me she quit working. She knew how I felt about what she was doing and I was kind of worried that I might be to blame for her quitting. Her parents were fine with it, she said, they were the ones who actually wanted her to stop and asked her to go back to school. I asked if her mom still wanted to see me. She said she already talked to her and I need not worry about her anymore, she told her mom that I was the only decent guy she had been
involved with and if she tried to stop her from seeing me she would leave. I suddenly didn’t have the heart to tell her what I’ve decided. I just couldn’t, not after all that. I was too frail to talk to her, too dumbstruck to tell her what I was supposed to. I let it all go and we were back at square one.

Her family and I got quite close after that. We took her little brothers on a field trip to Manila Zoo once and they’ve been always bugging me after that. Joko the older one of the two kids and the one whom hangs around the internet shop the most always passes by the bar before going home for dinner. His two year old brother JM whom I was fond of even before I knew her always asked for me whenever I wasn’t with her. I usually treated him to ice cream or candies when we hung out, I took the kid for walks and played with him while she was with her friends. Jeffrey and Jaypee the older ones kept distance but once in awhile share a few cigarettes with me at the store. Her mother who was reluctant at first had my phone number saved and usually texts when they have problems with her, I was the only one who could tame her, even her mom had trouble controlling her. Everything was going well for us and I guess we were on another level.

One night she asked if it were okay to go out with her old friend Bebang. I didn’t mind, she didn’t even have to ask me. I wanted her to go because I was getting worn down from being with her day in and out. I just missed time alone, something I used to have a lot before we got together, she consumed most of my waking hours and I wanted a little break.

She sent a message around midnight that she wanted to be picked up somewhere nearby. I was at the internet shop mindlessly surfing and didn’t get that message until late. The shop was already closed and I was the only one there, she knocked at the back door and I went out. She had been drinking and looked like she already had much. I asked where she had been and she told me that she had a few drinks with the ex-boyfriend and their friends at the usual place where they used to hang out. I didn’t mind her seeing her old friends and I didn’t even mind her drinking with the ex, what I didn’t like was her lying about it when she asked me if it were okay to go out earlier. The ex was a twenty three year old married low life, whom she had dumped right after our kissing episode at the bar the first time we met. He was the reason why she was drinking that night and I was the reason she broke it off with him. I wasn’t worried about him at all, I knew she liked me too much to go back with that bum, I just didn’t approve that she was drunk again and walked alone through the dark streets to get to where I was. If I got the message a little earlier I would have picked her up and drank with the rest of them just to show that I wasn’t intimidated. She was plastered and I didn’t like that. I wanted to take her home and she insisted that she was fine and still wanted to drink. One problem with her is when she gets drunk, she doesn’t listen to anyone and always has to have her way. She wouldn’t allow me to take her home and we argued for a long time, I guess she had enough and dismissively walked away toward the direction of her house. I let her leave, she didn’t want to be baby-sit.

A few minutes passed and she was walking back to where the ex and friends were. I saw her pass by through the lounge’s window but I was too late to notice, she was already too far away. I was too pissed off to chase her that I let her have her way. An hour after, she texted again and wanted to be picked up at the same place. I was on the way to where she was when I glanced at the gas station near by, I saw her there talking to some old men at the convenience store and she hopped in to their government plated AUV.

I didn’t know what was going on. I had a gun with me and was put on an awkward spot. If it where a different situation I would have gone down my car, dragged her out of the other car and kicked the guys faces in. I let my temper take a back seat for a bit, it was better to be calm than arrested. It was a government vehicle and I didn’t know who these people were. I stalled the vehicle by blocking its way but the red plated Innova just backed out and drove off. I followed them with beaming headlights for a few meters when the van slowed down and she hopped out. She was still plastered. She hopped into my car and tried to explain who those people were. She was too drunk to be understood and the fact that I had to see her like that, any explanation wouldn’t satisfy me at that point. I couldn’t understand what she was saying and I actually didn’t care. Who was inside the van? Where were they going? I didn’t know and didn’t want to know anymore either.

I drove her to her house and asked her go down. She still didn’t want to go home, she just cried incessantly while vehemently arresting my right arm. I pulled myself loose and went down the car to knock at their door. She went down the car and walked away from me, toward the dim lighted narrow makeshift street going down to the hollow block factory. By that time I was too pissed off to even care, I let her go and I went home.

Next day came and I refused to talk to her. I avoided taking her calls and didn’t reply to any of her messages. She knew I was pissed but couldn’t muster the courage to confront me at home. It was a Saturday and my parents were home.

My mom didn’t like her, she thought of her rude and impolite. She also didn’t approve of the fact that she was 10 years younger and used to work for a Night Club. She didn’t like my mom either, she never greets nor talks to her. She saw her as the evil quasi-mother-in-law. Her family even had this inside joke, she and her brothers refer to my mom as ‘Madam’ mockingly when they talked. The term ‘Madam’ adopted from the character played by Dau Ming Ze’s rich autocratic snoot mother in Meteor Garden.
I stayed home for the rest of the day and didn’t come out until past three in the morning when I decided to go for a drive. I picked up a cup of coffee and the newly delivered Sunday newspaper at the gas station convenience store while on my stroll. I had trouble sleeping and remedied it by watching tv series reruns on cable.

Angge and Kaycee had just moved into their new home in Malacanang Village where Kaycee’s mother and little sister also stayed within the same building complex. Kaycee’s family was having a barbecue that Sunday to welcome back their prodigal daughter who had been gone for more than a year. They invited me over since I had nothing planned. I also wanted to come by to see what they have done with the place since the last time I was there, Angge and I were moving furniture from the old apartment to this new place. The place looked nice and tidy. Kaycee’s older sister Karla was also there and I invited them over to the bar after dinner.

I was decided on ending it with her that night. I had been very patient with her in more than a few occasions and it was time I gave myself some regard. I memorized what I would say when we saw each other so that I wouldn’t be looking for words when things got awkward.

We were already drinking at the bar when she arrived. She came up to us with a big smile. She looked radiant with the outfit she was wearing, and her face looked genuinely innocent. I had missed her during those couple of days we didn’t talk and that was the only time it struck me. I instantly forgot I was angry, I couldn’t even bear getting mad even for a little. I took her across the room to a corner table so we could talk. I was lost for words and my anger was gone. She didn’t even have to speak, she just smiled and everything I wanted to say before she arrived had lost is bearing. She said sorry, hugged me, gave me a little kiss and everything was alright again. She explained what had happened and promised that she’d never do that sort of thing again. I accepted the apology but was sure she’d do it again some other time.

I was no martyr but I just couldn’t bear getting mad at her at that time. I knew she was trouble from the very start but I couldn’t resist being in that mess.

Again everything was well and good but somehow she had lost that hold she had on me. I told myself that the next time she does something wrong I’d just give up on her and move on to the next girl. We didn’t have any problems after that, she tried to make up for her wrong doings and to a point was almost saintly.

A few weeks after she told me she had to leave for her hometown. Her parents both hail from the same town in Nueva Ecija and her grand parents had requested her to come for the Fiesta. Along with the festivities was the yearly beauty pageant. She was picked by her family to represent them. She already won the competition a few years back when she was a little younger but her family wanted her in it again. She’d be gone for a month if she decided on going.

She hadn’t been doing anything for a few months now that she welcomed the idea. We had just been hanging out and getting plastered most of the time that it was a breather from our routine. I was also hoping she’d leave to give me space to reflect on the past months that we were together. The time we spent was unproductive and I was hoping this break could fix that.

We were a fun couple, we played in the rain, climbed trees, punched down banana trees, went on food trips and eating binges, got drunk and nasty and the sex was awesome. We also taught each other stuff, I taught her how to drive and she taught me how to ride a motorcycle. We were mostly happy when we were together but something important was missing.

First she was gone for just a week and it was the first time we’ve been apart for along time. We constantly updated each other, my phone always ran out of battery because of the ceaseless messaging and calls. We both got sick during that time when she was gone, it might have been symptoms of withdrawal, it might have been the weather, I guess it depends on how you think of it.

She went home for a few days and we couldn’t get our hands off each other. Her absence was just the remedy for the monotony of our relationship.

Next time she left it was for a longer time. The pageant was starting and she couldn’t just go home anytime she wanted. It was an everyday affair for her, they went to city functions and always had to attend rehearsals. I didn’t expect that a small town pageant could be so hectic but it was.

We weren’t so much talking then when she went back to Gapan. She had to leave her phone whenever she had rehearsals and I was busy trying to patch up the remnants of my life before we got together. I missed having all the time for myself and her absence made me appreciate more what I had before. I still called once in awhile to check on her. She told me about the admirers and suitors her grandma was accommodating at their house for her, her pretty dyke cousin who could have been a better candidate If only she had been straight, the farm, her family and the pageant. I developed a sarcastic tone during that time, I was prepping her for the unavoidable, that way she wouldn’t get too hurt when things fell apart. I was getting used to not having her around that it was easy to make an ass out of myself.

Simone Weil was right when she said -“Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be attained only by someone who is detached.” I had time to think while she was gone and without her presence everything was clearer.

It was different when she got back from Nueva Ecija, three weeks have already passed and the passion between us was lost somewhere in between those few weeks. Indifference has set in.

I was driving her home one night and we sort of fought about something trivial. It wasn’t unusual, since she got back we have been having trouble communicating. We had a few drinks and had just shuttled Jojo and Ryan home. I couldn’t really remember what we were fighting about but it turned into this big argument. She calmed down a bit and became a little more serious.

She then asked what was really going on. She wanted to know what was eating me since we have been arguing more and more lately. She said she felt like something was wrong from the time she got back because I was always being difficult. I told her I have thought about it a lot and I think things aren’t working out for us. She had joined me in my Neverland , and had become my Wendy. We were just wasting each others time.

She said she figured, she had an idea we were in a rut that’s why she left for Nueva Ecija in the first place. She told me that was the main reason she left was to save our relationship by giving us both space to breathe, she didn’t know how to fix our problem and the best she could think of was to prolong what was probably inevitable. She was sobbing but didn’t get mad or hysterical. She had also been thinking about it for a time. That was the reason he didn’t want his baby brother to get too close with me.

We talked until the sun was up. We were parked in front of their canteen and her dad was already up and about having his morning coffee outside. I told her I had to go and we hugged tightly for the last time. She gave me a little smile the moment she went down the car. I went on my way and she waved while I drove off.

We still see each other from time to time, she sometimes passes by the bar to visit but most of the time I see her around the block riding her motorcycle. I would sometimes pass by their house and she’d be outside having a smoke. She would wave and flash a smile when she sees me.

I still miss her sometimes but I know we are better off apart. I just hope she’s happy, I just hope she does well and maybe in time we could just catch up, laugh and reminisce about the time when we were together.

Down The Rabbit Hole And Into Wonderland

2007-06-26T09:59:00.000-07:00

It’s been three weeks since me and jenny got together and we’ve been inseparable rom then on. I love spending time with her, she takes my mind off things. We spend most of our waking hours together and she almost never goes home either. The only time I’m happy is when I’m with her. Whenever were together I feel like nothing else seems to matter. Like everyone and everything is a blur, like I’m living in suspended animation. The problem is when she’s not around, reality comes back - The things that desperately require my immediate attention, the obligations I’ve been stalling to fulfill, the people that I’ve been neglecting, the problems that I’ve been avoiding, and the dreams I put on hold. The hard part is our lives don’t really compliment each others, and though all this is fun, I have to one day either adjust to her life or let her go. Even if our time together couldn’t get any better, it sure isn’t going anywhere. At this time I’m still not ready to go back to reality, I guess this fantasy isn’t going to end pretty soon.

Turning Yellow

2007-04-30T23:43:00.000-07:00

She scares me. I’ve never been scared of a woman before but somehow she has that power over me. I don’t know how she thinks, I don’t know how to act around her, I watch what I say when we talk. Everything is a surprise with her. Sometimes she’s sweet and sometimes she’s uninterested. For someone who is always sure of himself, I feel like a child trying to get her attention, like everything I learned from being with women is useless. She has dated so many guys who treat her well that it seems nothing I can do would ever impress her. The funny thing i'm not even sure if I'm gonna try courting her, though I know I'd probably regret it if I did'nt.

The Day Cinderella Left Her Shoes

2007-04-22T00:02:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning disoriented. Something happened the night before that I couldn’t really put a finger on...

We came from a party and she didn’t want to retire yet for the night. She was staying at my place so before we went home we bought a bottle of cheap Argentinian red from the nearest convenience store to drink. It was normal for her to sleep over just like my other friends but we never stayed in the same room, I guess I was scared of being alone with her for some reason. That night she insisted that I stay with her, so I did. It was the first time we were really alone and it was kind of surreal. We drank and talked for hours until the morning sun was out.

Most of what happened that night is a blur, I'm not really sure of how things went, we mostly talked yet I vaguely remember an instance when we locked eyes and was half an inch from kissing when I hesitated and turned my head. I took to my laptop not knowing how to react to the situation, I wanted to, but I couldn't, it didn't seem right, a lot of things went through my head, I paused. I tried to muster the courage to again try to kiss her but now she hesitated. It was silly but I felt relieved. I guess I like the way we are with each other and didn’t want to complicate things. We also had much to drink and I was worried that she might think that I was taking advantage. I’ve had this school boy crush on her that I didn't want to encourage for the longest time and tried to avoid getting too close because I know things could get messy. We move within the same circle and I thought it would be awkward to get involved romantically with someone whom I could possibly be seeing for the rest of your life. I've also been slacking off and my life at this time is out of whack, I'm not sure if I could give her the care and pampering she deserves. I like her, I really do but the dream like idea of being in that situation was more than I could handle, I was dumbfounded.Anyway, we ended up rubbing noses and just held each other until she passed out and fell asleep.

Morning came. She was leaving for Punta Fuego with her friends and was supposed to meet them around 9am. I woke up from the sound of her footsteps coming from the restroom. It was either she was sleep walking or she just fell asleep right away after coming from the john. It was already 1030am and she was a still fast asleep. I tried to wake her up not knowing what to expect or how to act when she does. Her face radiated in the morning sun and looked so beautiful even if dried spittle was at the sides of her mouth, I rubbed it off while she slept like a princess. I guess some would find it creepy that I stared in awe while she slept, it was like I’ve found utopia while she rested there graciously in my bed. Eventually after half an hour of incessant rousing, she woke up, jumped at me and wrestled me to the mattress I furnished for myself at the foot of hers. I figured then that nothing bad could ever happen today.

We were in a hurry when she finally stood up, it was almost noon. I was taking her to her friend’s condo in Makati. She slept while I drove so we never had a chance to talk. I parked and waited for her to wake up and when she finally did, she kissed me tenderly on the cheek, said good bye and left wearing one of my shirts. She left her tiny shoes behind coz she won’t need them at the beach. I felt uneasy to ask her what the deal was because I was not sure if there was anything at all. I might just have exaggerated what occurred a few hours ago in my head. What happened last night? Was it the alcohol? Did I do something wrong? Was there anything extraordinary that happened at all? I went straight to my close friend’s place after I dropped her off. This friend is my living breathing journal, I usually tell her everything and I wanted to get her opinion on my case. Unfortunately she had a guest so we didn’t have the chance to talk. I just got my wallet which I left with her the night before and left. I went home and tried to catch up on sleep since I only had a few hours shut eye that morning. I sent a text message before I retired -”I dont knw wat happnd or did not lst nyt or if twas anythng at all, I gues il jst figure it out wen u get bak…or not. hav fun n Fuego. c u soon.ű”. she replied a few hours later– “thanks for waiting pala. All good. What happened nga ba? Wala naman diba..?! Ű”. It might be safe to think she remembers but just doesn’t want to dwell on it. It was a short exchange but I guess it was all I expected to hear from her.

When I woke up the second time I thought I’d still be confused, her reply didn’t really answer anything but I guess that was that. Questions float over my head but somehow I feel unstrained, relaxed, peaceful, something I haven’t felt for a long time. I don't know what I was thinking but I could not wipe the grin off my face. I wanted to keep it to myself so I changed my routine a bit, most of the time I have my friends come over to the bar but tonight I guess it felt better just to be alone.

I haven’t written anything for a very long time, much has happened but I lacked the will to write. I guess I just want to document today, it was special and even though I don’t really know what happened or if anything is gonna change at all. I just want to freeze the moment so that even if nothing evolves I’d still have today to remember, smile and think about.

Someday I might regret not kissing her but for now i'm sure i'd be sleeping well tonight.

Not Today Lord

2006-11-02T23:47:00.000-08:00

I am not a spiritual person. I don’t believe in things I don’t see, hear or smell. I believe in the limitless intellectual potential of man, free will, choice and the burden of nothingness.

A dear friend was bribing me to attend a retreat. She says she is willing to give me anything worth Php10,000 or I could have her do something outrageous if I promise to attend. I declined but couldn’t explain exactly why. I respect her sentiments and admire her dedication to her cause but I just don’t feel like compromising my beliefs just to make everyone happy.

I dug up some quotes that might help explain why I don’t feel like submitting myself to that ordeal. I guess who better to justify what I’m thinking than some great people who know better than I do…

“Why do I know a few more things? Why am I so clever altogether? I have never reflected on questions that are none…”
- Friedrich Nietzsche

“God is a crude answer, a piece of indelicacy against us thinkers- fundamentally even a crude inhibition to us: You shall not think!”
-Friedrich Nietzsche

“Abandoning the sort of hope which Christianity breeds, a man may find himself the strength to face what is inescapable; courage among other things is found on the other side of despair.”
Jean-Paul Sartre

"Clearly the person who accepts the Church as an infallible guide will believe whatever the Church teaches."
-- Thomas Aquinas

"The atheist does not say 'there is no God,' but he says 'I know not what you mean by God; I am without idea of God'; the word 'God' is to me a sound conveying no clear or distinct affirmation. ... The Bible God I deny; the Christian God I disbelieve in; but I am not rash enough to say there is no God as long as you tell me you are unprepared to define God to me."
-- Charles Bradlaugh, 'Plea for Atheism'

Eskimo: "If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?"
Priest: "No, not if you did not know."
Eskimo: "Then why did you tell me?"
-- Annie Dillard, 'Pilgrim at Tinker Creek'

"The way to see by faith is to shut the eye of reason."
- Benjamin Franklin

"If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him."
-Voltaire

"Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, & the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people."
- Karl Marx

"Faith is believing something you know ain't true."
- Mark Twain

"What happens when we're dead? The irony is that all our questions wil be answered after we die. We spend our whole life trying to figure out the truth and the only way we'll find out what it is, is to get hit by a bus. And the only comfort that religion offers is that God is driving that bus."
- John Ryman, When Galaxies Collide

"Faith: not wanting to know what is true."
- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

"Randomness scares people. Religion is a way to explain randomness."
- Fran Lebowitz

"I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other gods you will understand why I dismiss yours."
- Stephen F. Roberts

"God made me an atheist. Who are you to question his wisdom?"
-unknown

"Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet."
- Napoleon Bonaparte

"There once was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled. This time was called the Dark Ages."
- Richard Lederer

"An atheist believes that a hospital should be built instead of a church. An Atheist believes that deed must be done instead of a prayer said. An Atheist strives for involvement in life and not escape into death. He wants disease conquered, poverty vanished, war eliminated."
- Madalyn Murray O'Hair

"Two hands working can do more than a thousand clasped in prayer."
- unknown

"Why be born again, when you can just grow up?"
- unknown

Religion is an illusion and it derives its strength from its readiness to fit in with our instinctual wishful impulses.
-Sigmund Freud

Do not allow yourselves to be deceived: Great Minds are Skeptical.
---Nietzsche

Belief is always most desired, most pressingly needed where there is a lack of will.
–Nietzsche

We regard God as an airman regards his parachute; it's there for emergencies but he hopes he'll never have to use it.
- C.S. Lewis

Gods are fragile things; they may be killed by a whiff of science or a dose of common sense.
- Chapman Cohen

For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered. But for those of us who can't readily accept the God formula, the big answers don't remain stone-written. We adjust to new conditions and discoveries. We are pliable. Love need not be a command or faith a dictum. I am my own God. We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.
- Charles Bukowski

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
- Galileo Galilei

God does not play dice with the universe: He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players,* to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch-dark room, with balcnk cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time. * i.e., everbody.
- Good Omens By Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett

Anyone who cannot understand how a useful religion can be based on lies will not understand this book either.
- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"

...as hollow as the "o" in god...
- Marilyn Manson

Most people are bothered by those passages in Scripture which they cannot understand; but as for me, I always notice that the passages in Scripture which trouble me most are those which I do understand.
- Mark Twain

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
- Mark Twain

The idea of God is the sole wrong for which I cannot forgive mankind.
- Marquis de Sade

"Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich."
- Napoleon

Religion is the fashionable substitute for belief.
- Oscar Wilde

I can't say I believe in god. If, in fact, I ever find out that he does indeed exist, I think I'll stay away from him, because if he's responsible for half the things he gets credit for, he's got to be one mean son of a bitch.
- Peter Gethers

All that I have seen teaches me to trust the creator in all that I have not seen
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I consider dogmatic belief and dogmatic denial very childish forms of conceit in a world of infinitely whirrling complexity.
- Robert Anton Wilson

I want no heaven for which I must give my reason; no happiness in exchange for my liberty, and no immortality that demands the surrender of my individuality. Better rot in the windowless tomb, to which there is no door but the red mouth of the pallid worm, than to wear the jeweled collar of a god.
- Robert Green Ingersoll

It is like most other ancient books – a mingling of falsehood and truth, of philosophy and folly – all written by men, and most of the men only partially civilized. Some of its laws are good – some infinitely barbarous. None of the miracles related were performed. . . . Take out the absurdities, the miracles, all that pertains to the supernatural – all the cruel and barbaric laws – and to the remainder I have no objection. Neither would I have for it any great admiration.
- Robert Ingersoll

The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself.
- Sir Richard Francis Burton

The beauty of religious mania is that it has the power to explain everything. Once God (or Satan) is accepted as the first cause of everything which happens in the mortal world, nothing is left to chance...logic can be happily tossed out the window.
- Stephen King

I have examined all the known superstitions of the word, and I do not find in our particular superstition of Christianity one redeeming feature. They are all alike founded on fables and mythology. Millions of innocent men, women and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined and imprisoned. What has been the effect of this coercion? To make one half the world fools and the other half hypocrites; to support roguery and error all over the earth.
- Thomas Jefferson

Whenever we read the obscene stories, the voluptuous debaucheries, the cruel and torturous executions, the unrelenting vindictiveness, with which more than half the Bible is filled, it would be more consistent that we called it the word of a demon than the Word of God. It is a history of wickedness that has served to corrupt and brutalize mankind; and, for my part, I sincerely detest it as I detest everything that is cruel.
- Thomas Paine

the same people wrote the bible that thought the world was flat.
- anonymous

When I became convinced that the universe is natural, that all the ghosts and gods are myths, there entered into my brain, into my soul, into every drop of my blood the sense, the feeling, the joy of freedom. The walls of my prison crumbled and fell. The dungeon was flooded with light and all the bolts and bars and manacles became dust. I was no longer a servant, a serf, or a slave. There was for me no master in all the wide world, not even in infinite space. I was free--free to think, to express my thoughts--free to live my own ideal, free to live for myself and those I loved, free to use all my faculties, all my senses, free to spread imagination's wings, free to investigate, to guess and dream and hope, free to judge and determine for myself . . . I was free!
- Robert G. Ingersoll

Belief in the supernatural reflects a failure of the imagination.
- Edward Abbey

Leaving Neverland

2006-10-24T23:46:00.000-07:00

I hate to admit that I unconsciously put my life on hold hoping there’s a chance she’ll come back but I’m afraid it might have been so for a really long time. Before Anima left me I thought I had everything planned out. After the break up I was so devastated that I didn’t want to do anything, I tried to walk away from everything that reminded me of her – “Our” hopes and dreams - “Our” plans, I stopped functioning altogether. I let myself take a break. The problem is I got too comfortable with the state of things that I felt there’s no reason to change my lifestyle. I didn’t care to think about anything that was not entertaining; I exhausted my time on trivial, insignificant things. I’ve surrounded myself with younger people for the longest time that I’ve forgotten how to act my age.

I just realized that Neverland is not a place I want to hang around. I guess it’s time to give up my lost boys and start growing up. I’ve played Peter Pan long enough, it’s just right that I start getting my affairs in order.

The funny thing is that the epiphany emerged from a most unusual raison d'être – an ardent desire to measure up to a certain woman I barely met - the vague hope of being worthy of her attention had me thinking straight.

A better man, that’s what I need to be and I figure that it is what every lost boy should aim for eventually…

BOOKS

2006-08-29T23:44:00.000-07:00

BOOKS
Pulitzer and Booker Prize award winners, Nobel Prize winning authors, New York Times Bestsellers, philosophy, classics and other works worth reading.

My updated book list. Works I want (but impossible) to finish reading by year end.

1 SATANIC VERSES by Salman Rushdie
2 MINDIGHT’S CHILDREN by Salman Rushdie
3 THE FORTUNATE PILGRIM by Mario Puzo (Feb2006)
4 THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN TOWN by Charles Bukowski
5 NOTES OF A DIRTY OLD MAN by Charles Bukowski
6 ANGELS & DEMONS by Dan Brown
7 A MOVEABLE FEAST by Ernest Hemingway (19Mar2006)
8 THE SUN ALSO RISES by Ernest Hemingway (8Jan2006)
9 MEN WITHOUT WOMEN by Ernest Hemingway
10 WAR AND PEACE by Leo Tolstoy
11 CANDIDE by Voltaire (27Jun2006)
12 TALES OF MYSTERY AND IMAGINATION by Edgar Allan Poe
13 THE DEVILS by Fyodor Dostoyevski
14 PURGATORIO by Dante Alighieri
15 PARADISO by Dante Alighieri
16 AN INVITATION TO A BEHEADING by Vladimir Nabokov
17 JUSTINE by Marquis De Sade
18 DEATH OF A SALESMAN by Arthur Miller (17Mar2006)
19 EMILE’ by Jean-Jacques Rousseau
20 TROUBLED SLEEP by Jean Paul Sartre
21 IDIOT OF THE FAMILY by Jean Paul Sartre
22 THE AGE OF REASON by Jean Paul Sartre
23 THE PLAGUE by Albert Camus
24 THE ANTICHRIST by Frederick Nietzsche
25 TWILIGHT OF THE IDOLS by Frederick Nietzsche
26 THE SECOND SEX by Simone De Beauvoir
27 THE WORLD AS WILL AND REPRESENTAION by Arthur Schopenhauer
28 MEIN KAMPF by Adolf Hitler
29 THE POVERTY OF PHILOSOPHY by Karl Marx
30 BEING AND NOTHINGNESS by Jean Paul Sartre
31 TALES OF THE SOUTH PACIFIC by James A. Michener
32 A FABLE by William Faulkner
33 A DEATH IN THE FAMILY by James Agee
34 TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD by Harper Lee
35 THE KILLER ANGELSs by Michael Shaara
36 THE EXECUTIONER’S SONG by Norman Mailer
37 AMERICAN PASTORAL by Philip Roth
38 EMPIRE FALLS by Richard Russo
39 MIDDLESEX by Jeffrey Eugenides
40 THE KNOWN WORLD by Edward P. Jones
41 GILEAD by Marilynne Robinson
42 MARCH by Geraldine Brooks
43 SOMETHING TO ANSWER FOR by Percy Howard Newby
44 RITES OF PASSAGE by William Golding
45 THE BONE PEOPLE by Keri Hulme
46 THE OLD DEVILS by Kingsley Amis
47 THE REMAINS OF THE DAY by Kazuo Ishiguro
48 SACRED HUNGER by Barry Unsworth
49 LAST ORDERS by Graham Swift
50 THE NAME OF THE ROSE by Umberto Eco
51 LEAVES OF GRASS by Walt Whitman
52 DEMIAN by Herman Hesse
53 FURY by Salman Rushdie
54 AMERICAN GODS by Neil Gaiman (5July2006)
55 GOOD OMENS by Neil Gaiman (9July2006)
56 NEVERWHERE by Neil Gaiman
57 UNTIMELY MEDITATIONS by Friedrich Nietzsche
58 DARK ARENA by Mario Puzo (16Jun2006)
59 THE FOURTH K by Mario Puzo
60 IMMORTALITY by Milan Kundera
61 ANIMAL FARM by George Orwell
62 IN DUBIOUS BATTLE by John Stienbeck
63 THE CRUCIBLE by Arthur Miller
64 FOUNDATION by Isaac Asimov

*Finished books are in bold

Things I Just Realized

2006-08-28T23:43:00.000-07:00

1) I have stigmatism and need to wear eye glasses
2) Sprite Light taste alot like plain soda water.
3) I spend Php2k - 3k on credit card interest monthly.
4) Not all award winning films are interesting and most are pretty dull.
5) I slur a lot and I don’t make a good speaker.
6) Most good ideas come when I’m driving.
7) It’s wiser to buy used books. They cost less and you get to save paper.
8) Drinking liquor more than 3 times a week is not normal.
9) I smoke an average of 30 cigarette sticks a day.
10)It’s not possible to read and watch everything. I just have to settle with what’s available.
11) I’ve forgotten how to draw. I couldn’t even make a perfect circle nowadays.
12) Girly bars don’t amuse me anymore.
13) I am not a good poker player, I seldom take chances.
14) I only like women I can’t have.
15) The world wont wait on me, it would continue to move while i do nothing.
16) No matter how hard I try, life is always bound to fuck up.

Slacker's Philosophy

2006-08-08T23:42:00.000-07:00

I’ve been a slacker most of my life. Never did I have to work hard or fight for something nor did I try to excel in anything. I usually just go with the flow of things. No pressure, no stress and no worries. By no means did I try to study hard anytime during my school years, I did what I wanted, enjoyed what I could yet still managed to graduate. An educated low-life, that’s what I am, a living, breathing example of sloth.

My usual day starts at 3pm and ends around 6am.I sleep an average of 10 hours a day, when I wake up its straight to the kitchen to prepare a good meal and off to the TV room to eat. I spend 3 to 4 hours watching the tellie before I get off my lazy ass to work.

I try to manage a quaint village bar near my place. I do grocery and wet market shopping 4 to 5 times a week, other tasks include balancing the books, giving freebies and throwing out drunken customers. On slow days I spend my time at the bar day dreaming, mindlessly staring into space, watching old dvd movies, catching up on my reading or attempting to write. On most days I pretend to keep track of the cash register, have trivial conversations with clients and drink or play poker with friends. Life’s good I guess for someone who has nothing else better to do than kill time.

I know I could be a lot more if I stopped slacking but I lack the will power to pursue anything. I also recognize the fact that if everyone were like me the world would not progress. I’m not worried though. Most people try to get things done to make life & living better and on days they need a break from ‘saving the world’ they could always rely on places like mine and people like me to show them a wonderful time. I have no great responsibility and might as well enjoy ‘the slack’.

For me, there are only two things significant in man's existence – a sense of purpose and the bliss of experience. I lack purpose so why not try to get the most experience.
People who have both are a select few. The Marcoses are fine examples of this rarity. They both had a sense of purpose: Ferdinand saw his in politics while Imelda saw hers in culture and the arts. They both experienced living the good life - dining at the best restaurants, wearing the best clothes, traveling to exotic destinations - practically enjoying the best of everything though they also did not escape the experience of being despised, persecuted and rejected. In any case, they both made their mark in history and no one could take that from them.

I am not of the lucky few, well not yet anyhow, so while I ponder into the abyss for purpose, waiting for that one brilliant idea to strike me, I might as well enjoy what I have right now and try to learn and experience everything I can. After all, the skills I learn on the way might be handy when I do find my life’s crusade.

Waiting For A Dream

2006-08-03T05:40:00.000-07:00

A year and a half already passed and I remain floating pointlessly like a buoy lost at sea. I can’t say I’ve been unlucky dating coz I’ve had my share of God’s creatures since then. I’ve met amazing women and caught up with a few but still I haven’t found what I’m looking for. It’s still hard for me to imagine myself being with someone else after her. The ten years we spent together were surreal and even if I myself know that it is unjust to compare her with anybody else, who could blame me? She was all that I knew for the longest time.

I have this short-hand standard for someone I could consider to be the ideal woman:

Pretty – Someone I could show off, someone whose face won’t shock me the morning after.
Smart – Someone who has an IQ of 120 or higher, someone I could have a decent conversation with.
Appealing – Someone I couldn’t take my hands off, someone who’d look good in anything.
Charming – Someone who I can’t stand being angry with, someone I could bring home to ma and pa.
Self-reliant – Someone who doesn’t need me but wants me around anyway, someone who would make me want to be a better man.

I guess to ask for someone as perfect is too much to ask especially because I’m not ‘all that’ either. But hey, day dreaming is free, so why short change myself?

A friend told me lately that you’ll know what you want in a woman only after you’ve met her, not the other way around. I guess the traits I want in a woman describes what I was used to and had never outgrown. I just hope one fine day I get to bump into someone unbelievable. Someone I could not even fathom in my dreams and maybe, just maybe get to know her more.

Following The "Enlightened One"

2006-07-28T05:43:00.000-07:00

At times you tend to get much lonelier when you are with people. There are times when you feel like being by yourself and the presence of others seem like a nuisance. Self-isolation brings a great deal of clarity when people seem to make life complicated.

Prince Siddhartha left his castle, went to the forest and sat under a tree – without food, without company or any earthly possessions he sat there and meditated until he found "Nirvana". The Story of "Buddha" - the enlightened one.

Seclusion gives you the chance to evaluate yourself and examine your existence to the minute details. When you are alone you can laugh, cry, get angry, feel scared, act stupid and it would not matter. Alone you can have space to involve yourself in your world, a place where you don’t have to compromise your beliefs and no judgment is passed on your actions. On your own you get to be yourself without the chains and shackles, without restraint. You get to understand yourself better and see things much clearer. Having some time alone makes you appreciate people a tad more, life seems to get a bit brighter, less complex and a whole lot more distinct.

"Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions, reality can be attained only by someone who is detached”. – Simone Weil

My Kind Of Woman

2006-07-20T02:54:00.000-07:00

What makes a woman extraordinary, what makes her stand out? Here are a few images from the top of my head on how I imagine the quintessential woman- The poster model for the ideal catch... Venus reincarnate.

The Birth of Venus by Sandro Botticelli 1486. Uffizi, Florence

The perfect woman gives off a smile as mysterious as Da Vinci’s Monalisa and possesses a disarming elegance reminiscent of Botticelli’s Venus. She has men fall for her effortlessly because of her charm which radiates from her youthfulness. She’s oblivious of her beauty and is unconscious of her influence on men. She acts as poised as the evening tide and graceful as a butterfly in flight. She’s as wise as Simone de Beauvoir though she rarely discloses her inner thoughts. She could surprise you with her wit and keep you utterly engrossed with her presence. She is as tough as Queen Elizabeth yet would show vulnerability when she sees fit. She is fearless, unafraid to try and experience new things but knows when to quit. She is someone who won’t pass off a chance to jump off a cliff, swim with the sharks or cuddle with her man on a chilly evening. She could take care of herself though would chose to have someone care for her. She enjoys staying-in with rented movies, popcorn and her man by her side as much as spending nights going to fancy cocktails and dinner parties. She loves to eat, her palate ranges from escargot and foie gras to isaw, adidas and balot. She would enjoy a newly brewed jug of lambanog as much as an expensive bottle of cava. She might be used to Beamers but wouldn’t mind riding pedicabs. She enjoys playing with children and doesn’t mind if her guy acts like one at times.

She has her own style, her own taste and her own set of principles which nobody could dictate. She’s smart, independent and affectionate. She’s passionate about life and relishes every second.

If Ever I Grow Up

2006-07-15T02:03:00.000-07:00

Just a few ideas for careers if ever i do get to grow up...

SCENARIO 1

When I grow up I want to be a celebrated painter. I want to be a National Artist, a Nobel Prize winner. I want streets to be named after me, parties thrown as tribute to my greatness. I want doors to open and wine flowing in lieu of my presence. I want my art to be renowned all over the world, the price tag for each work to be worth millions, and my signature to have its weight in gold. I want scholarship foundations built in my honor helping struggling artists to have their way though grants. I want my death mourned by multitudes. I want my work viewed and taught in every art class, in every school permanently etching my name in history, my legacy never to be forgotten.

SCENARIO 2

When I grow up I want to be a Rock Star. I want my walls clustered with platinum albums, my songs hummed by every bystander. I want studios full of Stratocasters, Les Pauls, Ibanez, Washburn and Warwick guitars. I want t-shirts, stickers and button pins with my name on it. I want groupies fainting at the sight of my black stretched limousine. I want a few dozen 'Man on the Moon®' trophies displayed on my mantle piece. I want to play at Madison Square Garden, Wembley Stadium and every major city in the known world. I want my music to corrupt the minds of the youth, dictating their lifestyle, the way they act and dress. I want children named after me like saints and old bible personages. I want to die old and happy at a 5-star hotel room in Hawaii while making out with ten barely legal hot women gorging over my wilted, liver-spotted, wart infested body.

SCENARIO 3

When I grow up I want to be a mafia boss. I want control over labor unions, drug trafficking, white slavery, gun running and gambling. I want a piece on everything I could get my greedy hands on. I want to have my own private army armed with MP5 submachine guns, .40cal pistols and state-of-the-art rocket launchers escorting me in their bulletproof Toyota Land Cruisers waiting on my every whim. I want a mansion in the Bahamas or somewhere in the Caribbean where I could stay when things get hot. I want a room full or Armani and Hugo Boss suits, a drawer full of Rolexes and a vault full of hard cash. I want the rarest of automobiles – a 1967 Montiverdi 357s Berlinetta, a 1958 Chevrolet Corvette Convertible, a 1979 Aston Martin V8 Volante,a 1953 Jaguar XK150s roadster, a 1954 Mercedes-Benz 300SL and a 1954 Ferrari 750 Monza. I want a premier night club located at the heart of the city stocked with a collection of premium wines, single malt whiskies and fine tobaccos where I could meet with my business partners and caporegimes. I want a daughter blessed with beauty and charm like Aphrodite and a machiavellian son who I could teach the tricks of the trade and pass on the family business. I want a wife like Annette Benning who could take care of my children and a mistress like Kim Basinger who would fuck my brains out. Lastly I would want a thousand square meter mausoleum where I could rest in peace after my days of over-indulgence and terror.

Old World Values

2006-07-13T23:28:00.000-07:00

I wish I could have lived in the days of chivalry. The time when people were brought up to be gentlemen – gallant, mannerly and reserved. The time when women were prim and proper, always treated with much respect, like queens and princesses, refined and never promiscuous. When courtship had a system, and was never as easy as picking out something to wear.

The days of King Arthur and Camelot are long dead. Women rally themselves to be treated equally, showing they can do whatever men could. I believe it’s most appropriate they do get to have the chances men had since the beginning of civilization but do they really have to act like us? I wonder if they really believe its better that way. Society has also forgotten to teach boys how to act like real men - Men of character and of substance. Cable television, movies and the internet doesn't help either. I wish there would be a way of back tracking to the olden times otherwise decency, fidelity, and loyalty would be forgotten words from the past.

Chivalry is dead! Welcome to the 21st century… the age of Sex and the City, Desperate Housewives, The Spice Girls and girl power! The age of pimps and whoes. I guess i'm not the best person to preach but does propriety still count for something?

BOOKS

2006-07-02T03:19:00.000-07:00

Pulitzer and Booker Prize award winners, Nobel Prize winning authors, New York Times Bestsellers, philosophy, classics and other works worth reading.

My updated book list. Works I want to finish reading by year end.

1 SATANIC VERSES by Salman Rushdie
2 MINDIGHT’S CHILDREN by Salman Rushdie
3 THE FORTUNATE PILGRIM by Mario Puzo (Feb2006)
4 THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN TOWN by Charles Bukowski
5 NOTES OF A DIRTY OLD MAN by Charles Bukowski
6 ANGELS & DEMONS by Dan Brown
7 A MOVEABLE FEAST by Ernest Hemingway (19Mar2006)
8 THE SUN ALSO RISES by Ernest Hemingway (8Jan2006)
9 MEN WITHOUT WOMEN by Ernest Hemingway
10 WAR AND PEACE by Leo Tolstoy
11 CANDIDE by Voltaire (27Jun2006)
12 TALES OF MYSTERY AND IMAGINATION by Edgar Allan Poe
13 THE DEVILS by Fyodor Dostoyevski
14 PURGATORIO by Dante Alighieri
15 PARADISO by Dante Alighieri
16 AN INVITATION TO A BEHEADING by Vladimir Nabokov
17 JUSTINE by Marquis De Sade
18 DEATH OF A SALESMAN by Arthur Miller (17Mar2006)
19 EMILE’ by Jean-Jacques Rousseau
20 TROUBLED SLEEP by Jean Paul Sartre
21 IDIOT OF THE FAMILY by Jean Paul Sartre
22 THE AGE OF REASON by Jean Paul Sartre
23 THE PLAGUE by Albert Camus
24 THE ANTICHRIST by Frederick Nietzsche
25 TWILIGHT OF THE IDOLS by Frederick Nietzsche
26 THE SECOND SEX by Simone De Beauvoir
27 THE WORLD AS WILL AND REPRESENTAION by Arthur Schopenhauer
28 MEIN KAMPF by Adolf Hitler
29 THE POVERTY OF PHILOSOPHY by Karl Marx
30 BEING AND NOTHINGNESS by Jean Paul Sartre
31 TALES OF THE SOUTH PACIFIC by James A. Michener
32 A FABLE by William Faulkner
33 A DEATH IN THE FAMILY by James Agee
34 TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD by Harper Lee
35 THE KILLER ANGELSs by Michael Shaara
36 THE EXECUTIONER’S SONG by Norman Mailer
37 AMERICAN PASTORAL by Philip Roth
38 EMPIRE FALLS by Richard Russo
39 MIDDLESEX by Jeffrey Eugenides
40 THE KNOWN WORLD by Edward P. Jones
41 GILEAD by Marilynne Robinson
42 MARCH by Geraldine Brooks
43 SOMETHING TO ANSWER FOR by Percy Howard Newby
44 RITES OF PASSAGE by William Golding
45 THE BONE PEOPLE by Keri Hulme
46 THE OLD DEVILS by Kingsley Amis
47 THE REMAINS OF THE DAY by Kazuo Ishiguro
48 SACRED HUNGER by Barry Unsworth
49 LAST ORDERS by Graham Swift
50 THE NAME OF THE ROSE by Umberto Eco
51 LEAVES OF GRASS by Walt Whitman
52 DEMIAN by Herman Hesse
53 FURY by Salman Rushdie
54 AMERICAN GODS by Neil Gaiman (5July2006)
55 GOOD OMENS by Neil Gaiman (9July2006)
56 NEVERWHERE by Neil Gaiman
57 UNTIMELY MEDITATIONS by Friedrich Nietzsche
58 DARK ARENA by Mario Puzo (16Jun2006)
59 THE FOURTH K by Mario Puzo
60 IMMORTALITY by Milan Kundera

*Finished books are in bold

Just Complaining

2006-06-26T08:18:00.000-07:00

I’ve stayed up all night thinking. I couldn’t sleep because of a text message from last night. A message from an unregistered number which I thought came from “her”. This morning I received another message from the same number, turns out twas just some lifeless broad who gets a kick out of making friends through text. I hate this kind of life, too much time to think and not much time to do anything else BUT. I wish I could have had my “Angelina Jolie” eons ago and be done with it - moved on. I still haven’t met anybody that could interest me for more than a day or two. It’s kinda hard to meet someone interesting when my nights are confined to a KTV joint. Nowadays most of my time is spent online, reading, watching the tube, daydreaming, sleeping and worrying about bills. I’m bored as hell... I’m tired of dead poets keeping me company through the night. Frankie and Mr. Wonder don’t help either, I’ve memorized most of their songs while alone singing with my cursed beer bottle. I just wish an angel could just drop out from heaven and save me from this fate… or better yet, have Oyoboy fall off a balcony and let me have Angel instead.

Living "Greek"

2006-05-18T03:16:00.000-07:00

I’ve trapped myself in my own creation. I’ve been keeping busy with matters all related to one thing and most of the time it gets to be repressing…

This morning I attended a MOA signing between our fraternity’s National Execs, Senator Gordon and the Red Cross - not understanding why the hell I was there. I’ve been waiting for a call from Congressman EDZA all afternoon about a medical-surgical mission he is requesting. A project the previous officers of our local city alumni assoc proposed but never got to finish before my term as President which i would have to execute in a couple of days. My To-Do list includes planning an invitational golf tournament, a few fundraising activities and updating our AA CBL. Almost everyone I’m with these days is a member of my “posse” and I’ve been starting to feel uncomfortable going out without my brothers tagging along. My world is shrinking, I’ve been sucked into a vacuum which I have openly subscribed to, I’ve willingly stagnated myself out of sheer lack of anything else better to do. I’m embracing it like I have no choice, like a drift wood in whitewater. I would have to snap out of this trance soon…

I got pulled over by a cop earlier this afternoon over an illegal turn. One mention of Dolf’s (Col. Llorca) name got me out of a ticket. The half-witted officer even apologized for wasting my time. Who could blame me for getting comfy living "greek"?

Life's A Beach

2006-03-28T23:11:00.000-08:00

Ever wonder about the term? What exactly does it mean? Is life a beach because it’s dangerous to go out without protection? Is it because even if you try to keep clean you get dirty? Is it because when you’re already relaxing somebody always comes up to bother you? Or is it because the ocean is so vast but you are only limited to the shore?

Just a thought….

Bummed Out

2006-03-21T04:10:00.000-08:00

Days pass and nothing good seems to happen. It’s been two months since I decided to quit my job and I’ve been loafing around the house, more so getting loaded everynight at our bar since then. I’ve been offered work though i haven’t been asking for it but I summarily dismiss it like a disease. I’m in need of something I could be excited about, something I would want to do perpetually that somewhat could turn out to be a career of some sort. The problem is I don’t know if i'm ever going to find such a thing. My CV seems to get longer and longer as years pass. I’ve been doing jobs I don’t care less about for the longest time.

I turned 27 two weeks ago. I’m aging aimlessly. I hope something sensible hits me before i decide to just take another meaningless job.

Permanent Damage

2006-03-19T23:09:00.000-08:00

Life's absurdity surfaces when you stubbornly believe in something and then it turns out to be just some silly idea you don’t actually regret having but then recognize as idiocy afterwards.

A few years back while having one of our ‘Simone et Sartre’ dialogues at a café (the kind conversation Anima and I used to have about life, death and everything else in between), out of boredom, an idea came up of making life resumes'. It was'nt the usual where you studied, what job experiences you’ve had kind of piece but was about your personality- a pseudo blueprint of your life as one would view. Not too excited about it, i had her write mine. After reading it, one line stuck to me and sort of became 'my creed' – ‘a man of massive dreams and little cruelties’, I thought it fit well, after all I wasn’t a saint and I wasn’t a total disaster either. She said she borrowed it from Death of a Salesman -that was how Willy Loman is described by his wife in Arthur Miller’s play. I loved the idea of being that kind of man, I used the line all the time, even had it tattooed on my back after we broke up. The last time we had drinks together, a few days before she left for New York, she gave me a parting gift. At the back of the card reads –

“I thought you’d like to know the line where you got your creed –‘…she more that loves him, she admires him, as though his Mercurial nature, his temper, his massive dreams and little cruelties, served her only as sharp reminder of the turbulent longings within him, longings which she shares but lacks the temperament to utter and to follow to their end’, I thought this sums up what we had.”

I continued to attach myself with it as my signature, using it to describe myself though I never really had time to read the play until just a few days ago...

I read the play once and for all to satisfy my curiosity and because it was left unexplained like a gadget that I never read the manual for. The play was about an aging man who thought of himself and his family as extraordinary. He prided himself for being well-liked, thinking doors opened with the mention of his name. The play ended with him committing suicide after a series of pitiful events that would prove his life a farce, confirming that he and his sons are a dime a dozen, nameless men among the crowd.

It’s ironic when you pride yourself, believing you are worth your weight in gold then recognizing that the world doesn’t owe you more than the other guy. I just realized that the ink on my skin does not say much, it's just a nice way of saying "I'm a dreamer" (just like every other man.) Anybody can describe himself as a man of massive dreams and little cruelties. My 'creed' is nothing more than a false pride that is not worth shouting out.

Before 30

2006-01-03T23:07:00.000-08:00

Things I Want To Accomplish Before I'm 30
(Revised 14 April 2006)

1 Own a Harley Davidson motorcycle
2 Learn to fix cars
3 Buy blue chip stocks
4 Design a piece of furniture
5 Buy a painting of a local artist
6 Own a collection of 1000 books
7 Learn to paint with acrylic & oil (done Mar2006)
8 Design my own house
9 Learn to speak French
10 Learn to speak and write Mandarin
11 Learn how to dance the tango
12 Restore my 1967 Chevrolet Camaro
13 Own a restaurant or bar (done Mar2005)
14 Try acupuncture therapy
15 Acquire another tattoo (done Sep2005)
16 Have my picture printed in a magazine or newspaper (done Feb2006)
17 Write a book
18 Swim with the whale sharks in Donsol, Sorsogon
19 Take Scuba diving lessons (done Apr2003)
20 Try bungee jumping
21 Try high cliff diving (done Oct2003)
22 Attempt wake boarding
23 Go skydiving
24 Learn how to surf (done Oct2005)
25 Ride an elephant in Vietnam
26 Watch Muay -Thai live in Bangkok
27 See the Ancient temples in Cambodia
28 Spend Chinese New Year in China (done Feb2005)
29 Spend New Year’s eve in Times Square
30 Take a road trip to Pagudpod (done Mar2006)
31 Spend summer in Palawan
32 Shoot sombody or be shot(done Oct2004)
33 Sign up for culinary school
34 Take Capoeira lessons
35 Enroll in any design related course
36 Own a condo unit
37 Earn my first million
38 Join Freemasonry
39 Run for politics

BOOKS

2006-01-03T23:03:00.000-08:00

A Partial list of books i want to read by year end

1 SATANIC VERSES by Salman Rushdie
2 MINDIGHT’S CHILDREN by Salman Rushdie
3 THE FORTUNATE PILGRIM by Mario Puzo (Feb2006)
4 THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN TOWN by Charles Bukowski
5 NOTES OF A DIRTY OLD MAN by Charles Bukowski
6 ANGELS & DEMONS by Dan Brown
7 A MOVEABLE FEAST by Ernest Hemingway (19Mar2006)
8 THE SUN ALSO RISES by Ernest Hemingway (8Jan2006)
9 MEN WITHOUT WOMEN by Ernest Hemingway
10 WAR AND PEACE by Leo Tolstoy
11 CANDIDE by Voltaire
12 TALES OF MYSTERY AND IMAGINATION by Edgar Allan Poe
13 THE DEVILS by Fyodor Dostoyevski
14 PURGATORIO by Dante Alighieri
15 PARADISO by Dante Alighieri
16 AN INVITATION TO A BEHEADING by Vladimir Nabokov
17 JUSTINE by Marquis De Sade
18 DEATH OF A SALESMAN by Arthur Miller (17Mar2006)
19 EMILE’ by Jean-Jacques Rousseau
20 TROUBLED SLEEP by Jean Paul Sartre
21 IDIOT OF THE FAMILY by Jean Paul Sartre
22 THE AGE OF REASON by Jean Paul Sartre
23 THE PLAGUE by Albert Camus
24 THE ANTICHRIST by Frederick Nietzsche
25 TWILIGHT OF THE IDOLS by Frederick Nietzsche
26 THE SECOND SEX by Simone De Beauvoir
27 THE WORLD AS WILL AND REPRESENTAION by Arthur Schopenhauer
28 MEIN KAMPF by Adolf Hitler
29 THE POVERTY OF PHILOSOPHY by Karl Marx
30 BEING AND NOTHINGNESS by Jean Paul Sartre
31 DARK ARENA by Mario Puzo (9Jun2006)

Dead Before Forty (My Meaningless Existence) OST

2005-11-07T23:01:00.000-08:00

OPENING CREDITS:
BLACK DAYS – SOUNDGARDEN
Whatsoever I've feared has
Come to life
Whatsoever I've fought off
Became my life
Just when everyday
Seemed to greet
Me with a smile
Sunspots have faded
And now I'm doing time
Cause I fell on
Black days

WAKING UP SCENE:
KING OF PAIN – THE POLICE
There's a little black spot on the sun today
It's the same old thing as yesterday...

AVERAGE DAY SCENE:
ROADHOUSE BLUES – THE DOORS
When I woke up this morning, I got myself a beer
Well, I woke up this morning, and I got myself a beer...

AVERAGE NIGHT SCENE:
ALABAMA SONG (WHISKY BAR) – THE DOORS
Well, show me the way
To the next whiskey bar
Oh, don't ask why
Oh, don't ask why...

SEX SCENES:
A WHOLE LOTTA LOVE – LED ZEPPELIN
You’ve been coolin’, baby, I’ve been droolin’,
All the good times I’ve been misusin’,
Way, way down inside, I’m gonna give you my love,
I’m gonna give you every inch of my love,
Gonna give you my love…

FALLING IN LOVE SCENE:
A KISS TO BUILD A DREAM ON - LOUIS ARMSTRONG
Give me a kiss to build a dream on
And my imagination will thrive upon that kiss
Sweetheart, I ask no more than this
A kiss to build a dream on...

DULL DATE SCENE:
BIG EMPTY – STONE TEMPLE PILOTS
drivin' faster in my car
falling farther from just what we are
smoke a cigarette and lie some more
these conversations kill
falling faster in my car...

BREAK UP SCENE:
INVISIBLE WAR –JULIA FORDHAM
Invisible war, seems we're waging an invisible war
Strained maneouvres, keeping silent score
In this invisible war
Every day I seem to lose you more
Both wishing it was like before
In this invisible war...

HUNG UP SCENE:
PARANOID – BLACK SABBATH
I need someone to show me the things in life that I can't find
I can't see the things that make true happiness, I must be blind
Make a joke and I will sigh and you will laugh and I will cry
Happiness I cannot feel and love to me is so unreal...

PARTY SCENE:
JAMMIN’ –BOB MARLEY
we’re jammin’
I wanna jammin' with you
We’re jammin’
And I hope you like jammin' too...

DRUNK HAPPY SCENE:
LITHIUM- NIRVANA
I'm so happy 'cause today
I found my friends
They're in my head
I'm so ugly, that's okay, 'cause so are you...

LONELY NIGHT SCENE:
SOMEBODY – DEPECHE MODE
I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details...

MENTAL BREAKDOWN SCENE:
DEAD SKIN MASK – SLAYER
Dance with the dead in my dreams
Listen to their hallowed screams
The dead have taken my soul
Temptation's lost all control...

ME AGAINST THE WORLD SCENE:
KAGATAN –JUAN DE LA CRUZ BAND
Laklakin mo hanggang gusto mo
Wala naman pumipigil sayo
Dikdikin mo sige, Tapakan mo
Ubusin mo hangga’t ikay maging bato...

KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR SCENE:
GLORY OF LOVE – PETER CETERA
I am the man who will fight for your honour
I'll be the hero you're dreaming of...

DEATH SCENE:
MAD WORLD – TEARS FOR FEARS
All around me are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races, going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses, no expression, no expression
Hide my head, I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow...

CLOSING CREDITS:
THE MAN WHO SOLD THE WORLD - NIRVANA
Who knows? not me
I never lost control
You're face to face
With the man who sold the world...

Things I Want To Accomplish Before I'm 30

2005-10-25T23:00:00.000-07:00

Things I Want To Accomplish Before I'm 30
1 Own a Harley Davidson motorcycle
2 Learn to fix cars
3 Buy blue chip stocks
4 Design a piece of furniture
5 Buy a painting of a local artist
6 Learn to paint with acrylic & oil
7 Design my own house
8 Learn to speak French
9 Learn to speak and write Mandarin
10 Learn how to dance the tango
11 Restore my Camaro
12 Own a restaurant or bar (done Mar2005)
13 Try acupuncture therapy
14 Acquire another tattoo (done Sep2005)
15 Have my picture printed in a magazine or newspaper
16 Write a book
17 Swim with the whale sharks in Donsol
18 Take Scuba diving lessons (done apr2003)
19 Try bungee jumping
20 Try high cliff diving (done oct2003)
21 Attempt wake boarding
22 Go skydiving
23 Learn how to surf (done oct2005)
24 Ride an elephant in Vietnam
25 Watch Muay -Thai live in Bangkok
26 See the ancient temples in Cambodia
27 Spend Chinese New Year in China (done Feb2005)
28 Spend New Year’s eve in Times Square
29 Get stabbed or stab somebody with a knife
30 Shoot or be shot by a gun (done Oct2004)
31 Take culinary lessons
32 Enroll in any design related course
33 Buy a Bulldog
34 Own a condo unit
35 Earn and save my first million
36 Join Freemasonry

Lost

2005-10-11T22:58:00.000-07:00

Noun: Lost (lost)
1. People who are destined to die soon

Verb: lose (lost) (looz)
1. Fail to keep or to maintain; cease to have, either physically or in an abstract sense
"He lost his mind when she left her";"He lost his direction in life"
2. Fail to win
"He lost in battle"
3. Suffer the loss of a person through death or removal
"He lost his wife in the war"
4. Place (something) where one cannot find it again
5. Miss from one's possessions; lose sight of
"I've lost my ball again!"
6. Allow to go out of sight
"The man lost the lady he was shadowing after he had to stop at a red light"
7. Fail to make money in a business; make a loss or fail to profit
“He lost interest on that investment”
8. Fail to get or obtain
"He lost a sense of meaning in his life"
9. Retreat
10. Fail to perceive or to catch with the senses or the mind
"He lost part of what she said"
11. Be set at a disadvantage

Adjective: lost (lost)
1. No longer in your possession or control; unable to be found or recovered
"His lost book"; "A lost love"
2. Having lost your bearings; confused as to time or place or personal identity
3. Spiritually or physically doomed or destroyed
"Lost souls"; "A lost generation"; "A lost ship"
4. Not gained or won
"A lost battle"; "A lost prize"
5. Incapable of being recovered or regained
"His lost honor"
6. Not caught with the senses or the mind
"Lost for words"
7. Deeply absorbed in thought
"Lost in thought"
8. No longer known; irretrievable
"Lost time","Lost Memories"
9. Perplexed by many conflicting situations or statements; filled with bewilderment
"She felt lost on her first day back from her trip"
10. Unable to function; without help
"Help me, I'm LOST."

Me & My Bottle

2005-10-05T22:56:00.000-07:00

I’m at our bar drinking by myself, just me and a bottle of red wine tonight. It’s funny how things work out…

Time alone… maybe this is just what I need.

Waiting In Vain

2005-10-01T22:55:00.000-07:00

I don’t know where all of this is going. I’ve been trying to forget her all this time but every now and then I get the urge to text, call or drop by her house to check on her. I fall quiet in the middle of drinking sessions and feel like vomiting thinking of her. My body has been acting violently because of the state of things. I’m losing hair because of thinking too much; my weight has dropped aggressively without any diet. Her absence bothers me. I always wonder where she is, if she’s eating right, if she’s safe, if she’s with her new guy.

I sent her an email on her birthday asking her what the deal was. I guess im tired of the status quo. I want closure so I can move on with my life. She called after I sent the email. She says she misses me. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or it’s just her way of keeping me close. She told me to wait while she sorts things out. It’s the same thing I've been doing for the past few days. I hate the feeling of being in limbo. I miss her so much. I wish she would just answer like she’s sure of what she wanted, If she wants me back in her life or not…

The Effects of No Liquor

2005-09-26T22:54:00.000-07:00

Madness sets in. I feel hopeless, lost as I have been a few weeks back. The only time I feel this way is when I don’t have alcohol in my veins. That would mean I have been drink everyday to forget. I haven’t paid attention to my job lately, partly because I’ve been sick after me and her mom talked, and partly because I’ve been planning this trip to nowhere on her birthday. A friend asked what I’ll be doing in Bangkok, I answered on sms–“pussy ping pong, pussy darts, Muay Thai, I wanna ride an elephant and visit Buddha while he’s sleeping”- my smart ass answer to show people I’m alright, but the truth is that I don’t want to be here on her birthday. I’m going to Thailand, even if im alone just so she’ll have her space, and I’ll have mine. I could not resist seeing her, greeting her. I miss her. I was fine up until we talked the other day. Even if it was really short and I was trying to be tough with her, I couldn’t stop thinking of her after that. Even if we’re not together, she still drives me crazy. My creed – massive dreams & little cruelties – she gave me that. she thought it fit well with me like the main character in Death of a Salesman. Next week I’m having it permanently marked on my skin. I don’t know if its right, but I do feel it is. She was my life for a decade, I am who I am because of her, without her nothing seems real. I am in the state of nothingness. The inscriptions in the temple of Delhi says- “Know thyself” and “Nothing in excess”, I don’t know myself anymore, I’m still trying to recapture my life, trying to figure out who I was before her. What was mine all along and what was her doing. Everything I do now is overkill; I don’t think my life would balance out as it should at this rate. Her mom tried calling the other day. I gave her a call back. Mamuy misses me. She said that im still her “son-in-law” and she would be praying for things to work out for us. She even tried talking to my mom so they could catch up. These things never happened when we were together. Tyler Durden in Fight Club said -“Stop controlling everything and just let go”- I wish it were that easy...

MY FAVORITE PEOPLE

2005-09-16T22:50:00.000-07:00

A PARTIAL LIST OF THE PEOPLE I ADMIRE, THE PEOPLE I FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT & THE PEOPLE I COUNT ON

1. JEAN-PAUL SARTRE…the Frenchman who taught me the meaning of nothingness.

2. FRIEDRICH WILHELM NIETZSCHE…the philosopher that educated me that not everything is worth to ponder.

3. JIM MORRISON…the poet who’s music altered my reality.

4. NICOLLO MACHIAVELLI…the politician who skilled me how to lead and how not to.

5. AL PACINO…the actor who demonstrated that looking competent is the same as being competent.

6. HR GIGER…the artist who corrupted my imagination and sharpened my skill.

7. CARLOS P. ROMULO…my fraternal brother who ruled over nations.

8. MARIO PUZO…the novelist who mentored me on how to give an offer nobody can refuse.

9. FRANK REED HORTON…my brethren who showed me a world of massive dreams and little cruelties.

10. JIIMI HENDRIX…the guitarist who personified the greatness of lefties.

11. ROBERT DE NIRO…the actor who established how looking tough can just be an act.

12. NICK JOAQUIN…the national artist who confirmed that drinking alcohol sharpens minds.

13. ADOLF HITLER…the tyrant who tutored me how to tell men the most simple and crudest things to get them to agree.

14. ERNEST HEMINGWAY…my future self – grumpy, jaded and old.

15. JOE SALIENDRA...the man who pierced my art unto my flesh.

16. MARK RYDEN…the man who paints about god, children and USDA grade A beef.

17. JUAN LUNA…the Filipino artist who awakened my national pride.

18. SANDRO BOTICELLI…the Renaissance man who showed me Venus but deprived me of having her.

19. ROB ZOMBIE…the living evidence that there is life after death.

20. RONALD MCDONALD…the man that proved food is more that just for nourishment, it is a lifestyle.

21. SUN TSU… the man that illustrated how war is an art form.

22. LAO TSE…the man that attests to the virtue of passiveness.

23. WALLY GONZALES…the musician who taught me that life begins again after 40.

24. JOSE RIZAL…the hero who made it clear that womanizing does not hinder heroism

25. FERDINAND MARCOS…the president who attests to the truth that a woman is every man’s weakness.

26. RYAN JACOBO…my trusted friend, my brother, my keeper.

27. GEE BRAVO…my living breathing journal, my psychiatrist, my pimp, my closest friend.

28. JOJO CASIN…my doppelganger who already found his place in the world.

29. JESSICA ZAFRA…the woman who educated me on how being pessimistic is amusing and rewarding.

30. JEAN-JACQUES ROUSSEAU…the man who explained how it is possible to become another man in another universe.

31. ALBERT CAMUS…the philosopher whose biggest problem in life was not to commit suicide.

32. IMELDA MARCOS…the woman that proves money buys you happiness.

33. CONRADO DE QUIROS…the only columnist that makes sense most of the time.

34. KORYN ILEDAN…the lost princess, the girl with the golden smile.

35. DJONG TAN…the girl whose wit, humor and charm can keep you waiting for her next response.

36. DES UY…the lady with killer legs, overpowering smile and a gentle heart.

37. NICO…the soft spoken beauty that might be better of without taking alcohol.

38. CONRAD ORTIZ…my fraternal brother who knows the true meaning of indulgence.

39. SIMONE DE BEAUVOIR…feminist, humanist, existentialist, life partner of my most admired philosopher.

40. DANTE ALIGHIERI…the man that described heaven, hell and purgatory as if he had already gone.

41. ARTHUR SHOPENHAUER…the philosopher that inspired a whole new breed of thinkers.

42. BEN CABRERA…the native artist that rocks.

43. SALVADOR DALI…the artist whose works are all ugly, divine and beautiful at the same time.

44. ANDY WARHOL…The artist who gave me a whole new respect for soup cans.

45. LEWIS CAROL…the eccentric children’s book writer who writes about smoking caterpillars, disappearing cats and shrinking pills.

46. SOCRATES…the academic who knows he does not know.

47. FRANK SINATRA…the singer who got more than what he deserved.

48. GHANDI…the political figure that taught me how bravery can be shown without violence.

49. CARAVAGGIO…the psychotic painter who makes the most sense.

50. LOIUS ARMSTRONG…the man with a voice of an angel sick with laryngitis.

51. WOODY ALLEN…that director who proves a perverted mind does get you somewhere.

52. ANIMA…the lady who showed me how to live, to love and to regret.

UTOPIA VANISHED part V

2005-09-09T22:49:00.000-07:00

We had dinner at my dad’s place. We took a cab going there. It was just near. Everything is near in Cebu. Dad cooked steak and potatoes. He didn’t have a dining area so we ate on the living room table, we sat on the floor.

After dinner we went out to a jazz bar somewhere in Mandaue City. It was nice, kind of like Monk’s Dream. The singer was like Sandra Lim, except slimmer and a little older, she had the same repertoire. “I’ve Got The World On a String, Mack the Knife, God Bless the Child, New York New York, etc. we took separate tables, my parents sat on the non-smoking area, we sat on the smoking side. They went ahead after two or three drinks. We were left there to finish the long set.

We headed back to the hotel around 2 in the morning. I thought we made progress, I thought we were fine. I ended up taking a cold shower and I slept on the couch.

Next day we went to Olanggo Island, a small island at the northern part of Cebu. The island is DENR protected, a bird and marine sanctuary, the island didn’t have much inhabitants. It was mostly mangrove marshes and barren land. Several kinds of birds flocked there during migrating season. One part of that island is rich in marine life, corals abound, not too many Cebuanos know about the deserted island. We just saw it on some travel show that’s why we got to know the place. We went there to snorkel.

We had lunch in some Korean seafood restaurant in another small islet near Olanggo. The food was grand, we ate lobsters, shrimps, crabs and other kinds of seafood. It was a nice day out. The weather was perfect, wind was blowing ideally and the sun shined just enough to get a tan.

We went back to the hotel around 3 pm; we spent the afternoon at the pool area. We didn’t go out that night. We stayed in. we just watched television until she fell asleep on my lap. I didn’t wake her up anymore. I just played with her hair until she woke up past midnight. We didn’t get to eat dinner so I just ordered room service. After eating I let her sleep in the room, tucked her in and again I slept on the couch. I just opened a wine bottle and watched television until I got sleepy.

The day after, we woke up early for a day trip to Bohol. My dad arranged for somebody to pick us up when we got there. The guide toured us around the island. We got to see the chocolate hills, we ate lunch on a floating restaurant which went upstream to a small waterfalls, we took pictures of the tarsiers, we went to a private beach with white sand, we went to old churches, bought native delicacies and had happy hour at the ferry port. We went back to Cebu after dark, we had to meet my parents for dinner at another Korean place. My dad’s driver picked us up at the ferry terminal, we had to go back to the hotel to dress up. We ate dinner with some of my dad’s Korean friends. After that we went to this club which one of his friends owned. We left early. She was tired.

Next day we went home. We talked about not seeing each other too often when we got back to Manila. It was the end of it. My utopia, It had vanished…gone…destroyed… We still saw each other when we got back but it was already different. She didn’t have amnesia, she just fell out of love...

UTOPIA VANISHED part IV

2005-09-08T22:47:00.000-07:00

The following days were practically same. We saw each everyday. We went everywhere, places she had never seen and places we always went to. We played golf, had coffee, ate and drank. I always picked her up early and she always fell asleep on the way home. We talked a lot, and every time she made me cry. I was beginning to think that everything I did was futile. Her amnesia was too strong. She must have been correct- she might be in love with the guy.

Everyday I did something special for her even it was just small, like bringing her pomelo, a bar of Twix or a mosquito repellant. I enumerated the reasons why I loved her, wrote it and read it to her - the way her tongue inches out first every time she sneezes, the way she needs somebody to hold when she enjoyed her food, the way she wants me to make little sabunots on her hair, her smell which actually smells like a baby’s lampin, her power smile… everything that came to mind I wrote down and told her. I spent he whole day at the office writing that. Nothing changed though, her memory loss couldn’t be cured.

One day I was sitting in their living room, waiting for her while she was dressing up. Her mom just came up to me, had me stand up and hugged me. She told me that she knows we are having a tough time and I should just pray that everything works out. She also told me that whatever happens to us I should I still keep in touch. Says I will always be part of the family, nothing could change that. I wept profusely, it was really embarrassing.

At her mom’s request, I went to Manaoag with them that Sunday. Her clan usually went to Our Lady of Manaoag once a month. It was their monthly get together, we came with her uncles, aunts and cousins. I don’t pray, I don’t even like going to church, but I was willing to try anything just to get her back.

We didn’t get enough sleep because of the welcome party I gave her the night before so we slept most of the time on the way there. We had mass, went to see the Lady of Manaoag and lighted candles at the pilgrim’s yard. We ate lunch shortly somewhere in Dagupan -They had a thing for boneless bangus. On the way home, she slept on my lap. I gave her little sabunots all the way back to Manila. It was a seven hour drive. She slept like a baby. I loved every minute of it.

We went to Cebu the following week. My parent’s were celebrating their anniversary that week so we flew in with my mom. Dad was stationed there; he works at the airport and has been there for 4 years. He welcomed us at the airport lobby. We got the car and took us to the La Laguna for lunch.

After lunch, we went to my dad’s condo unit. The unit was nice, it had three balconies. He just moved in a month or two ago. He used to stay at Day’s hotel. He stayed there for almost two years, before that he stayed at the Waterfront, he lived there for a year.

Dad is a golf fanatic, so when he learned that we went to the driving range a lot, he was so pleased, he gave her a glove and a new pair of women’s golf shoes. Something he had in storage – don’t ask me why? They didn’t talk at all before, this time they were like father and daughter.

We stayed at the Waterfront suite 314…3/14… March 14...the day of our anniversary. It was a huge room- it had a receiving area with two big windows giving us a view of the Waterfront’s tower and the villas downstairs. The bedroom was smaller than the receiving area but it was just as nice. We were staying in that room for three days, I was hoping the ambience would get to her and would change everything.

We stayed in the room for the rest of the afternoon, again we ended up talking…that’s all we did. Talking doesn’t change anything, just makes things worse. I tried being sweet with her, tried to kiss her tenderly. I was still the boyfriend, there wasn’t anything wrong with being intimate. She found it hard to be intimate. I was really frustrating to be stuck in that room without anything happening, it was really ridiculous. I opened a bottle of wine and just watched the television. She sat with me. We laughed, made fun of ourselves, made fun of the situation It took us half an hour to finish the wine, we both needed the drink. We loosened up and finally hit it off… that was the last hoorah…

UTOPIA VANISHED part III

2005-09-06T22:46:00.000-07:00

I went home around half past four in the morning from the bar. I tried to sleep but I couldn’t. I stayed in bed for an hour before I decided to call her up. It was a new day - something good might happen. I convinced her to have breakfast with me, out of guilt she agreed. I arrived at her house around six o’clock in the morning, her mom was surprised to see me that early. I looked really awful - eyes blood shot, unshaven, my breath smelled like ashtray and my hair was all over. I was only wearing an old t-shirt, shorts and slippers. We went to Pancake House - that was the only restaurant open near her house around that time. She ordered daing na bangus, I just ordered coffee. I couldn’t eat, I felt like vomiting every time I took something, couldn’t even drink water… I was feeling ill because of too much alcohol and nicotine I consumed the day before, not to mention all the stress I’ve been subjected to for the past three days since she arrived…I made her promise to go on a trip to Cebu with me the week after, just so we can save whatever we had. I wanted her to remember how we were before. It’s like she had amnesia and I wanted her to remember.

That morning she looked painfully beautiful. She just woke up, wasn’t even able to take a shower yet, didn’t even have time to fix herself up but still I adored her. I adored the way her hair looked, how the sun makes her face glow, how her eyes were puffy from lack of sleep, everything about her appealed to me. I was fixated. I missed her so much. I was memorizing every line on her face, every blemish, every mole. I was totally absorbed by her presence.

After breakfast, we went back home to her house so she could doll herself up. We talked about playing golf the day before so I brought my clubs with me. We went to the driving range - hitting golf balls at 150 mph with a steel club is good therapy for stress and anger management. We finished eight golf ball buckets in an hour, that’s around 400 balls. Mostly she did all the hitting. I just watched…

Around ten, I took her to the spa. She had a recurring back pain from the time she fell down butt first from her apartment stairs. I took her there so the masseuse could fix her sore back and to lighten her up a bit. I left her there for two hours while I went to the gym to think. The gym was really near. I didn’t work out though; I just went straight to the sauna and started to reflect. The sauna is the best place to think – It’s dark, hot and isolated. It felt really soothing especially when the heat gets to you. I was living a nightmare, the hellish feeling inside the sauna felt comforting. Our fraternity had this tradition of giving out roses to beautiful women on our anniversary…the tag on every rose said something like “… A tribute to our only weakness…”, and indeed, she was my only vulnerability.

I went back for her after her treatment. We had lunch - still wasn’t able to eat, we wandered around the mall - ten years of being together, I’ve memorized our mall route. We went to all the stores we used to go, and every few minutes I asked if she remembers. As I said before, I felt like she had amnesia so I kept on asking her if mind-set had reverted. All that time I held her hand, I appreciated every escalator we rode – it gave me a chance to hug her by the waist, I rested my head on her chest every time. It felt comforting, her scent felt reassuring… like everything was okay, like everything was normal.

We went back home again. We both didn’t get enough sleep so we decided to go back to her place. We spent the afternoon talking in bed until we fell asleep. Nothing sexual happened though, we just fell asleep holding each other… It was my utopia, like nothing bad could ever go wrong…

We woke up before dinner. We went to this place a friend told me about in Fort Bonifacio. It was a quaint Japanese restaurant. It wasn’t fancy, it was like a canteen but it was cozy and the food was superb. We enjoyed it. It was my first meal of the day. After dinner, I took her to another place I had on my ‘new places list’. It was an open air restaurant in a park somewhere in Makati, there was good weather and the wind blew nicely, we found it relaxing...

We had a full day. It felt good, like everything was going to be back to normal. I took her home after that. I went home happy. I fell asleep right away…

UTOPIA VANISHED part II

2005-09-01T22:44:00.000-07:00

Next day came. I wasn’t able to sleep well that night so I went to work early. Around noon, she calls to tell that our friends are coming over for dinner at her house. Her mom was cooking Korean - one of her specialties. The whole day I was dazed, I didn’t really know how to grasp what I confirmed the night before. After a dull meeting at the office, I decided to drop by the mall before going to her house. I bought a few bottles of good wine for dinner, pastries for dessert, and a bouquet of flowers. I felt like I had to show her I’m fine so we could forget about the whole thing and move on.

I arrived a little past 7 o’clock, our friends were already there. She greeted me at the door, kissed me and got her flowers. She acted normal, too normal. They were having drinks at the anteroom. I went to the fridge, got myself a beer and sat with them. We ate dinner shortly, it was a lovely feast – assorted Korean barbecue, beef stew, chap chae, kimchi, and other stuff I couldn’t spell out nor pronounce. After dinner we went back to the anteroom for drinks. They all carried their oversized wine glasses while I got another beer. It was really weird because they were conversing and I couldn’t relate. It was like I was in another world, nothing registered. I sat there quietly, kept to myself and concentrated on my drink and my cigarette. Normally I was the loud one, that night I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t look at her, she kept on talking about how great New York is and I hated every bit of it. Our friends left around midnight. At last we had time alone…

I sat on the sofa & she had lain down and put her head on my lap. I couldn’t act normal, can’t get myself to act sweetly. She knew me too well not to notice and knew we had to talk about it more. She asked. I started talking. I couldn’t remember exactly what I said. Actually I was just blabbering, getting it all out of my head, I didn’t say anything hateful though, and I was very diplomatic, very mindful. She started crying, started hugging me tightly. My eyes flowed with tears. I haven’t cried for the longest time. “You haven’t lost me…” I said,”I still love you…you’re the one hugging but it feels like you’re the one I lost… you feel so detached, you’re mind is somewhere else, I look at you and I don’t recognize you anymore…” She calmed down, started talking. Told me it was my fault this happened, told me I should have followed her sooner…told me it was winter and she was lonely. I did not sound right. More things came to my head… I was passive; imagine the things she was telling me at that time. Normally my reaction would be to lash out, shout and break stuff. I didn’t do any of that. I tried to take it all in and understand. Mind you, understanding is different from liking. I understood her, believe me I do, but I really didn’t like what had happened. I knew it was partly my fault, I didn’t even attempt to follow her anytime sooner, and I also put too much faith in her. All the time I thought she was the stronger one…

Then something I didn't expect came out of her mouth. Se said, "I think im in love with him.". My heart stopped, felt like a speeding train hit me. I couldn’t talk. She said’ “At first I tried to shove him away, he wouldn’t. eventually we became friends, I pretended I was with you when we were together. I took him to the places I wanted to take you. I just missed you so much. I didn’t mean for this to happen.” So after hours of talking, pails of tears, we calmed down. I bid her goodnight...

Heart broken and speechless, I wasn’t ready to give up on her that easily, but that night I just had to much to think about. I had to take it all in first. I went straight to my bar and called a friend. He came over it was past 2 in the morning. We started drinking, he had beer, I had brandy, we didn’t talk about anything, and we just sat there quietly…

UTOPIA VANISHED part I

2005-08-01T22:39:00.000-07:00

UTOPIA
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: ideal place and life
Synonyms: Arcadia, Eden, Elysian Fields, Erewhon, Garden of Eden, Shangri-La, bliss, dreamland, dreamworld, fairyland, heaven, land of milk and honey, never-never land, paradise, perfection, pie in the sky, promised land, seventh heaven, wonderland
Antonyms: hell

I was living a very happy and comfortable life; It was almost surreal. I was on my way to getting what I wanted, I just resigned from a dull call center job, was recruited to manage a unit for an Italian insurance company, had my own office, didn’t have any work hours, the pay is much better and the work load was very manageable. A few months back I got to have every alcoholics dream – a bar. It was located inside our village so it was very convenient in cases where I had too much to drink and had to drive myself home. I also was lucky enough to have my vehicle upgraded - from a sedan to a SUV, how cool is that?. I also lost twenty pounds by working out. - It’s amazing what will power and drugs can do for you. I apparently had good credit as well, that time I applied for several credit cards most of them approved in time for my girlfriends arrival. I had everything planned out..so that was what I thought.

I was anxious to see her back. Weeks before her arrival I planned our schedule already. I had planned a trip to Cebu, 2 welcome home parties, another trip to Sorsogon to see the whale sharks. I listed all the new places we have not been to and cleared my schedule so I could spend most of my time with her. A month before, she was supposed to come home already, she just earned a master’s degree in journalism at Columbia University and her trip to Manila would be just a little break before she starts working. Her dad and I talked her into staying for a few more weeks in New York just so she can have time to look for work before she comes back to see us. We planned on permanently living there. I was supposed to follow her after I fixed my papers.

The day of her arrival came. I was drunk the previous night but still managed to pick her up early at the airport. We had lunch at her house and we spent the whole day there. It’s been seven months since we last saw each other and this was the longest time we have been apart. Last time she arrived we could take our hands off each other, this time it was different she felt distant, felt cold. At first I thought it was the trip home, she had a very long flight. Around 23 hours, the plane had to stopover in Korea so I could imagine how exhausting it could have been. We went with the regular catching up routine. I told her what I’ve been doing lately, she told about how life was in New York.

Apparently she wanted to talk to me about something serious; I held it off as long as I can. The only time she says the line – "We need to talk, I need to tell you something" – it was always bad news…

A few months back that was also her line when she wanted to break it up. Actually she tried breaking up with me twice during this time she was away. The first time she asked, I said – "HELL NO!!!" We had so much planned, we had ten years of history, of memories. I've always thought that nothing could break us apart, I pressumed that she was just having one of her phases again - like when we were in highschool. A lady friend once told me, "If he had just stopped me when i wanted to break it off, I would have stayed." We didn't talk about it much. I was firm with my decision. She said that was the reaction she wanted to get from me and couldn’t be happier with my response. Weeks later she had to ask me again. This time I felt like something was really wrong, I felt betrayed, abandoned. She couldn’t explain clearly. She said she had a hard time having one foot here while she was out there. She wanted space. I knew she was out a lot, had a few drinks now and then, did cocaine once, little did I know she was addicted to the thing and also was consumed with alcohol most of the time. We went from talking twice a day to twice a week. She was swamped with school work, that’s what she said, and my schedule was so inconvenient that our hours didn’t seem to match. I had this intuition that she was cheating. Women just don’t say I want to break up for nothing. So we broke up…

For weeks I went on an alcohol binge, sent her an email telling her not to call or send messages until she decides what she wants, I also erased her telephone number from my phone. Didn’t say a thing to anyone about us. Our friends all knew we were good, I only told one friend about the break up, just to get it off my chest. She called one night while I was at work, I didn’t even want to talk to her. She was crying, said sorry and we made amends.

After that I decided to shape up, after all she was due to comeback in a few months. I was working two jobs at that time. I was still employed with the lousy call center job and was acting as unit manager for another company. I filed for resignation from the hellish job. Went to gym every day, stopped drinking, watched what I ate, planned on studying culinary arts, tried to check on the short courses available at Cooper Union and Tisch, and talked to people who might be able to help me with my visa. I was planning to surprise her so when she comes back she couldn’t say I wasted a year for nothing. From the beginning, I knew I was slipping away. I tried to keep up with her as much as possible, I couldn’t go to the states, and I was stuck with this really lousy job but still I found time to read what she reads and watch what she watches just so we could be on the same page.

So we ate dinner at her house, after that we went for a walk and shared a few cigarettes. We walked past an old house we used to park in front of. The place were we used to cuddle and do stuff when we were young and stupid. I had good memories of that place, apparently she did not. She told me things I’ve forgotten already, stupid stuff, menial things, petty fights, that kind of sort. I was kind of surprised with the way she reacted, she was not into reminiscing so we went back home.

We sat in her room. It was quiet. She still had that uneasy look on her face. She still wanted to talk seriously. To settle the matter, I started asking what was wrong. I told her that whatever it was, she could keep to herself. She doesn’t have to tell me anything, and the only thing that mattered was that she’s back and I am really happy to be with her again. She still felt heavy so I started to hint that I knew already and there no need to let me know. She was about to tell me something she memorized on the plane heading back to Manila. I didn’t give her the chance though, I blurted it out – “You cheated on me when you where away, a random guy, somebody I don’t know and don’t even care to know. It’s alright I don’t care, I knew that the moment you called from your apartment when you wanted to break up months ago”…. – that’s what I said. She started crying. I didn’t even shed a tear. I had already forgiven her the moment she called to make amends the last time. I was just really happy to see her and I knew I loved her too much to take it against her. That night she couldn’t stop crying, I had to take her out just to ease the weight.

I took her to my bar. My parents were there, so were my other siblings... they were really happy to see her, she was happy to see them too. We drank a few drinks. We were happy again… That was what I thought…